The Afternoon Wife

Additional Comments:

This episode aired on March 20, 1995. After being pre-empted through February Sweeps and removed from its regular Wednesday night timeslot, this Monday night episode was the last to air before the series was pulled from the network schedule and put on hiatus.

Delta Burke's husband, Gerald McRaney, reprised his Dash Goff role from Designing Women for this episode. Dash was last seen in the episode Reservations for Eight.

Jennifer Malone plays an integral part in this story, so after Julie Hagerty's disappointing two-episode stint as Malone and subsequent departure, Valerie Mahaffey reprises the role for this episode, after which the character is never mentioned again.

Episode Transcript:

The setting is the Congressional office of Representative Suzanne Sugarbaker. Present in the scene are members of Suzanne's staff, including her Administrative Assistant, Natalie Hollingsworth, and her Press Secretary, Sissy Emerson. Arriving for work carrying a book is the receptionist, Jennifer Malone. Natty and Emerson are reviewing Suzanne's schedule.

EMERSON: The Post called, and they've assigned someone to cover Suzanne's speach about cutting the budget.
NATTY: You're kidding! Well that's incredible! They've never asked to cover any issue she's done before. Could this mean they're actually beginning to take us seriously?
EMERSON: Well, I don't know... but you have to admit she was halfway decent at that last Resource Committee meeting.
NATTY: I wouldn't get too carried away. I mean, we are talking about the woman who thought the New China Policy meant that Hillary was throwing out all of Nancy Reagan's old dishes. So what else do you have?
EMERSON: Candy manufacturers at 4. Role call interview at 5. Oh, and um.. lunch with one of Suzanne's ex-husbands, Dash Goff the Writer. He's on some sort of a book tour.
MALONE: And what a book it is. Suzanne gave me a copy to read last night. I'm telling you, I could not put it down. You talk about a hot romantic love affair -- this makes The Bridges of Madison County look like Dr. Seuss.
NATTY: Please tell me this is not auto-biographical.
MALONE: Oh, of course it is. It's about this young, verile English professor in a small college town who's so driven by his obsession with romantic literature that every woman is a disappointment until he meets and marries this voluptuous, fiery Southern beauty queen with whom he has absolutely nothing in common except sex. And boy do they...
NATTY: Alright, Malone! We get the picture.
MALONE: It's called The Afternoon Wife because she has such a sexual hold on him that he cannot even stay at work. The point being that the most romantic, binding romantic love is not based on selflessness or lofty ideals after all, but rather on pure-all, take-me-right-here-on-the-gravel-driveway lust!
NATTY: Malone, you seem to be a little over-the-top on this. This is just a book. Get a grip.
MALONE: Well, that's where you're wrong. It's not just a book. It ends up having the same power over the reader that the Afternoon Wife has over the professor. I mean, sometimes it takes three pages just to get a shirt unbuttoned.
NATTY: Three pages? Why would it take three pages just to unbutton a shirt?
EMERSON: Because, Natty, to some people that's sexy. I mean we all understand that you, Miss Efficiency Expert, would have that shirt off in ten seconds -- not to mention having it neatly pressed and back on his back again before he could even say "Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes!"
NATTY: Well that just shows how little you know me. As a matter of fact, I'm quite different away from work, just for your information. For all you know, I could display a great deal of sexuality in my off hours. I just choose not to exude it at work.
EMERSON: Well you're doing a very good job of it. I can't tell you how many men around here have asked me if you're gay.
NATTY: Me? Gay? HA! That's a laugh. Everybody knows I'm a Republican. Anyway, Malone, I don't think the woman in this book is necessarily Suzanne. Usually a writer draws on a compilation of people to create a character.

Suzanne arrives.
SUZANNE: So, you've already finished reading Dash's book? Whadda ya think?
MALONE: I don't know. It's kind of shocking. I mean, you're my boss, and I've just never thought of the sensuous, milky palms on your baby-skin hands before.
NATTY: Suzanne, have you read this?
SUZANNE: Oh, of course not. You know I don't like to read.
NATTY: Well are you aware that your ex-husband has evidently depicted you as some mindless sex object who almost destroyed his academic career because of his obsession with you?
SUZANNE: (Grinning...) Really? Oh, that stinker. He didn't even tell me.
NATTY: You mean this is true?
SUZANNE: Well, I don't like to brag, but we did have some pretty good times together. Of course, I'm sure he's just exaggerating.
MALONE: So he didn't really buy you a beaver throw for your birthday that you spread out under the snow and made love upon under the bleachers at a football game?
SUZANNE: He put that in there? Oh, he is a bad boy.
NATTY: Excuse me, Suzanne, but I am very concerned about this. You have made several good speeches lately, we're finally started to be taken seriously around here, and something like this book could just erode all of that.
SUZANNE: Why?
NATTY: Why?! Because women who want to be taken seriously cannot be seen in sexual terms. Do you think anyone ever pictured Sandra Day O'Connor or Ruth Bader Ginsburg making love on a beaver throw?
MALONE: You mean besides Clarence Thomas?
SUZANNE: So what's your point?
NATTY: My point is we have got to stop this before it goes any further. This could be very, very damaging.
SUZANNE: (entering her office with the three ladies on her heels.) Well, I'm afraid you're a little bit late on that one, Natty. This book has already been chosen Book-of-the-Month Club Alternate -- which I know is not as good as being the Book-of-the-Month, but just think.... If that book should fail to fulfill its duties...
NATTY: I can't believe no one warned me about this.
SUZANNE: Listen, I can't keep up with what he's writing all the time. I was married to him for six years and never even know what he was thinking. Well I did know what he was thinking. It was pretty much one thing. I just didn't know he was writing about it afterwards.
NATTY: Well apparently you should have shredded his diaries.
MALONE: I'm surprised they didn't just burst into flames!
EMERSON: Oh, get off it, Natty. Half the men in this town have had affairs. Anyway, who cares if Suzanne had a daily tryst with someone she was married to?
MALONE: Daily? HA! Boy are you off base!
NATTY: Alright, Malone! We get the point!
MALONE: I have a hunch that all of us are pretending to be business-like at work. I think everyone thinks about other people sexually during the course of a day. Like I'm always picturing people naked and wondering what they look like making love, aren't you? (Silence) Oh, well nevermind.
EMERSON: Oh, of course we do, Malone. Everybody does. It's perfectly natural. We're all sexual creatures -- even me, and I haven't had a date in so long I now qualify as a born-again virgin. But I still have my occasional lascivious thought.
MALONE: About whom?
EMERSON: I'm sorry, but that's deeply personal.
NATTY: Bob Carey.
EMERSON: (Embarassed) Ha ha ha ha.....I hate you.
MALONE: Who have you pictured naked, Natty?
NATTY: If you must know -- Bod Dole.
EMERSON: Bob Dole?! Get out of here!
NATTY: I'm sorry, but I happen to find Bod Dole very sexy.
MALONE: Yeah, but naked?
NATTY: Well, maybe far-away naked.
EMERSON: Yeah, like in Norway.
MALONE: Who do you fantacize about, Suzanne?
SUZANNE: Oh, I don't know, Malone. I don't really think about stuff like that.
MALONE: Oh, come on! This is me you're talking to. I read the book. There must be somebody in this town that you think of naked.
SUZANNE: Oh, alright -- Al Gore.
EMERSON: (Fascinated) Al Gore...really.....
SUZANNE: Well not really -- just for a minute. He was addressing the newest members of Congress and, I don't know, my mind wandered. Why, what wrong with Al Gore?
EMERSON: Oh, nothing! I just always thought of him as a little... stiff.
MALONE: Well I'm not ashamed. I've pictured Al and Tipper Gore naked. And Dan and Marilyn Quayle. And Dan Rather and Connie Chung -- although that stupid desk always gets in the way.
NATTY: Suzanne, we're gonna be late.
MALONE: Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. And Oprah and that Stedman guy. She does look good since she lost all that weight....

Back in the outer office, Dash Goff arrives.
DASH: Excuse me, but is this the office of Representative Suzanne Sugarbaker, the woman who wrecked my car and my life, and then took all my money, and has yet to write me a thank you note?
SUZANNE: Dash Goff, where have you been? (Hugs Dash) You were supposed to come by my house last night.
DASH: Well, I'm sorry, but my plane was three hours late, and I didn't want to wake you and Little Desi, so I just went and got a hotel.
SUZANNE: It's alright. Well, I'd like you to meet my staff. This is Natalie Hollingsworth, my Administrative Assistant, and Sissy Emerson, my Press Secretary, and Jennifer Malone, our receptionist.
DASH: Well, hello. All I can say is that if you ladies can supervise Suzanne Sugarbaker successfully, then you're each a better man than I. I couldn't do a thing with her.
MALONE: (Blushing and waving Dash's book in the air) I think you're being overly modest!
DASH: Well I see she's already given my book away. I guess I don't have to ask if you read it.
SUZANNE: No, but I've heard an awful lot about it. I think we're gonna have to have a little talk over lunch, okay?
DASH: Oh, I don't like the sound of that. If Suzanne says she wants to have a little talk with you, and you're a man, that can only mean one of two things; either you are in for the sweetest afternoon of your life, or it is the end of the world as you now know it. I mean, you could end up lying on satin pillows eating fresh peaches, or just as easily find yourself chained to a pipe in the basement licking a catfood tin. It could go either way, and that is what makes it all so exciting.
SUZANNE: Dash, don't be silly now, ok? I was very good to you, and you know it. Besides, it was gourmet catfood.
MALONE: Excuse me, I just want to say, Mr. Goff...
DASH: Please, call me Dash.
MALONE: (Blushing) Ok... Dash. I just want to say that I find this to be the most romantic, sexually compelling thing that I have read since Where Did I Come From.
DASH: Thank you, Jennifer. Coming from you that means a lot.
MALONE: Really?
DASH: Absolutely. You're just the sort of female I want to reach -- discerning, intelligent, adventurous.
MALONE: Adventurous? How can you tell?
DASH: Well I'm a writer, and I noticed that you're wearing leather in your hair. And I don't think a woman would do that unless she was open to new ideas.
MALONE: (Smitten) You're good. (to Suzanne) He's good!
NATTY: I hate to break up this little bookfest, but Suzanne and I have a committee meeting to get to.
DASH: Oh, hey, don't let me get in the way. I just have a few phone calls to make, then I thought I'd hang out here until lunch.
SUZANNE: Oh, ok. Well you can use my office. In fact you can watch me on TV. I'm gonna be making a little speech.
DASH: Oh, right! Make that one you made when you were Miss Georgia and you said the best way to stop the spread of Socialism was for all men to wear condoms.
SUZANNE: Oh, please! I was 19 years old.
DASH: I liked it! It's my personal favorite. Is this your office in here?
SUZANNE: Yeah. If you're very good you can sit in my chair.
MALONE: Why not? He's been everywhere else.
NATTY: Malone!
MALONE: Sorry.
NATTY: Suzanne, we're gonna be late.

Suzanne and Natty exit, and Emerson signals Malone to give her a minute with Dash.
EMERSON: Y'know, I almost wore leather in my hair today, but at the last minute I thought it might make a bolder statement not to.
DASH: Well, that's ok. I think I got a beat on you anyway.
EMERSON: Really....
DASH: You're the girl who gives men that "let's push all the buttons on the elevator" kind of feeling, right?
EMERSON: (giggling) Maybe.... (then regains her composure) Maybe not. Malone, can I borrow that book please?

Later, Dash watches Suzanne's speech on TV. Meanwhile Emerson is reading Dash's book.
SUZANNE ON TV: My friends, I've been looking into some of these government waste programs, and I personally just couldn't believe what I was reading. Like this $107,000 that was set aside to study the sex life of the Japanese quail. Shoot! You can buy my ex-husband's book about our life together for $19.95, and I can assure you we had a much better time than this bird did.
DASH: That's my girl.
SUZANNE ON TV: And then, there's one million dollars to examine why Americans don't ride bikes to work. We don't need to examine this one, because for most of us we don't ride bikes to work because it's too damn far and we're too damn fat, ok? $800,00 for a rest room on Mount McKinley. Friends, we need to get another estimate. Now, I had Italian marble put in my own bathroom, and an antique biday for less than $40,000. Trust me, it can be done.
DASH: This is a completely different Suzanne than the one I was married to. I've never seen her be so authoritative, articulate, ...in control.
EMERSON: I don't know, she seems pretty much in control in chapter five here.

Later that day, the ladies and Dash have lunch out together, and Suzanne seems frustrated by the flirtation between Dash and her staff.
MALONE: Well I just can't believe you know Norman Mailer personally.
DASH: So anyway, I just got in right in Norman's face and I said, "Norman, look, it is one o'clock in the morning. I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm hungry. You ride the camel if you want to, but I'm taking a rental car and going back to the hotel.
(The ladies laugh -- except Suzanne.)
NATTY: Oh, now that's a funny story.
DASH: You know, Natalie, you've got a great laugh.
NATTY: Really? (giggling) You think so? You're just saying that.
DASH: No, no I mean it.
NATTY: Well, that's very nice. So.... how would you describe it?
EMERSON: Oh for crying out loud.
NATTY: He talked about the leather in her hair and your elevator buttons.
DASH: Well it just.....it has a little catch in it. The kind of laugh that makes young boys fall in love on ferris wheels.
NATTY: You mean....like a gay thing?
EMERSON: NO! He means fall in love with you. Gay thing -- what an imagination.
NATTY: (Blushing) That was lovely. Thank you.
DASH: You're welcome.
SUZANNE: (Annoyed) That Beef Wellington looks good doesn't it?
DASH: Y'know, Suzanne, I have to say I certainly never expected to see you on the floor of Congress talking about budget cuts. That speech you made was very impressive. You've come a long way.
SUZANNE: You really think so, Dash?
DASH: You're damn right. I'm proud of you -- very, very proud.
SUZANNE: Well, you know I've worked really really hard to....
DASH: (Interrupting) So, Jennifer, tell me a little more about you. Is this really your first job?
MALONE: Well, yes, unless you count volunteer work. When my boys first started school, I was the bookcart girl at a local hospital.
DASH: No kidding. Bookcart girl. That sounds fascinating.
MALONE: It was nothing really.
DASH: No, no. I find it interesting.
MALONE: (Giggling and blushing) Well I didn't do very much.
DASH: I'll bet you did.
SUZANNE: Oh, for crying out loud, she put a bunch of books on a cart, hauled them around, and passed them out to sick people. Can I just get a shrimp cocktail over here now?
MALONE: I did a little more than that actually. First of all, I had to wear this candy-striper outfit -- I made it myself. (still giggling) I got into trouble because you could see through the sleeves.
DASH: Oh!
MALONE: I always get in trouble when I don't follow the rules. Sometimes I just think I need someone to guide me.
SUZANNE: I have a suggestion for you.... get a dog.
EMERSON: Hehe. (Uncomfortable with the tension) Ah.....where's that waiter?

The setting changes to a different day, back in Suzanne's office. The ladies are all present.
NATTY: Well, we just got back from Dash's book signing.
MALONE: It was so exciting! I've never known a real author before.
EMERSON: I can't believe they're still stocking all those O.J. books. That guy must be making a fortune off that I Wanna Tell You. Personally, I'm saving my money for We Don't Wanna Hear It.
NATTY: You should have seen the line of people waiting to see Dash, Suzanne. It was standing room only. There's something about his ability to -- well, for lack of a better term -- peer right into a woman's soul. I mean, that observation he made about my laugh -- well, that's something I've always known about myself, but no one's ever articulated it quite so eloquently before.
EMERSON: Wait a minute, let me get this straight; you mean you always suspected you had the kind of laugh that would make a young boy fall in love on a ferris wheel?
NATTY: (Giggling) Well I've never really thought of it in those terms exactly, but I've always been aware it has a certain catch that's very attractive and.... (realizing she's being made fun of) Oh shut up. I'm not gonna talk to you about this anymore. (Turning to Suzanne) I will get that report from Gephardt's office and we'll go over it together. (Natty and Emerson exit)
SUZANNE: Fine. Look, I'm a little busy right now, Malone. Is there something you wanted?
MALONE: Well, I uh....this is kind of awkward for me. Oh, it's probably silly of me to bring it up because you're such a worldly sophisticated person you probably couldn't care less. You wouldn't mind, would you, if I went out with your ex-husband?
SUZANNE: Why are you asking me this?
MALONE: Well, he was just wondering if I might like to have dinner with him sometime, and I said y'know I'd have to check.....with you. And apparently -- gosh! -- it's a good thing I did because I didn't think you'd really care.
SUZANNE: Of course I care, Malone. First of all, you are my employee, and I don't like the idea of any of my employees going out with any of my ex-husbands. Secondly, even if you weren't my employee, I've never been a part of that "free-to-be you-and-me" dating scene. Also... (closing the door to keep Malone in...) I have a rule: any man that I have seen -- naked, cannot be seen by any woman that I know -- naked. And that's even after I'm through looking at him. I know I can't stop you from picturing him -- I'm sure in your mind this man hasn't had any clothes on since he got here. And there's no telling what you had him doing with Connie Chung!
MALONE: I'm so embarassed. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess when he paid me a little attention I got all caught up in the fantasy of becoming part of literature.
SUZANNE: Oh, it's ok. Listen, I'm gonna be back a little bit later.
MALONE: Where are you going?
SUZANNE: Out.
MALONE: But it's the middle of the afternoon, what should I tell people?
SUZANNE: Just tell them that the Afternoon Wife had to go out and buy some catfood.

Shortly thereafter, Suzanne confronts Dash in her living room....
SUZANNE: Dash Goff, is it true that you asked out Malone?
DASH: Well, I asked if she'd like to have dinner with me sometime.
SUZANNE: I cannot believe this. You come over here, stay at my house, accept my hospitality, eat my food, and then you ask out one of my employees.
DASH: Suzanne, I didn't propose to her -- just a casual dinner date is what I had in mind. And besides, we are not married anymore.
SUZANNE: Yeah yeah. But we were once, and as far as I'm concerned, anybody who knows me cannot know you in that way. And if you wanna hang around with me, you'd better get that straight.
DASH: You're jealous.
SUZANNE: Don't flatter yourself. I'm not jealous. I am, however, more than a little bit curious as to why this is the first time you've come to stay with me that you haven't even tried to make a pass.
DASH: What are you talking about?
SUZANNE: I'm talking about every single time you've come to visit me since we've been divorced you have come up with 150 different reasons to get back in my bed. But this time -- not even a little scratch on the door. I don't know, maybe I should just throw some books on a cart and go "Ooh, Dash! What does it mean when I wear tortoise shell in my hair?!"
DASH: I guess I just think differently about you now. I mean, I've never seen you the way you are at work -- that speech you made the other day. I mean, you're a United States Congressperson now, and to me that's kind of the sexual equivalent of saltpeter.
SUZANNE: Oh I see. Now that I am no longer giving dumb answers at beauty pageants and hanging on your every word you are no longer able to "fly the flag" for me, is that it?
DASH: No, Suzanne, it just kind of threw me is all. I mean, I married Lolita, and now you're Eleanor Roosevelt, and that's just kind of confusing for me ok?
SUZANNE: Well I've grown up, Dash. I've grown up. For the first time in my life I feel like people like me for me, and not just because of how I look. Well, maybe for me and my looks. You didn't even notice I let some air out of my hair.
DASH: I noticed. But you didn't even bother to read my book.
SUZANNE: I read it.
DASH: What'd ya think?
SUZANNE: Well, I especially liked the part that talks about my unequalled porcelain beauty and about how my breasts should be on one of those Greek deals.... (snapping her fingers...)
DASH: Urn.
SUZANNE: That's it.
DASH: Well, they still look pretty uh....
SUZANNE: Oh! Well they are. Thank you for asking.
DASH: Suzanne, I'm sorry if I hurt you. I was thoughtless. I guess in a way Malone just reminds me of the way you used to be.
SUZANNE: Really?
DASH: Well, y'know....that innocence.
SUZANNE: Well if I'm not innocent, it's because you corrupted me.
DASH: (Smiling) Yeah, I did, didn't I.
SUZANNE: Yes, but I think we're even, because I've ruined you for every other woman. You are never gonna have a fire like that in your bed again.
DASH: That's right -- unless you put it there.
SUZANNE: Oh, I thought you weren't attracted to me anymore. And y'know I can understand that -- after all -- you spent six years in bed with a girl. Maybe you should try a woman -- a real woman. A Congresswoman.
DASH: Oh. Mmmm.
SUZANNE: You think I can't be sexy cuz I talk about budget cuts? Well, I'll show you budget cuts. (Running her hands up Dash's leg and side to the back of his neck) I'll show you deficits. I'll show you surplus. And when I'm through, you'll still be on your knees licking the sensuous milky palms of my babyskin hands.
DASH: Well, you do make a very good point, but you know you don't have to prove your sexuality to me.
SUZANNE: You're damn right I don't. (standing and removing her earrings) This is strictly for my pleasure. And this time, you won't be writing about it afterwards. As a matter of fact, you won't even be able to lift your pen.
(Suzanne picks up a black fur throw, lays it out in front of the fireplace, and then snaps her fingers and points down to it...)
SUZANNE: What are you grinning at?
DASH: (Moving over and laying down in front of the fireplace) Oh, nothing. I just didn't think you were gonna fall for this so easily.
SUZANNE: Oh, shut up and kiss me.....
(Suzanne and Dash fall into a passionate embrace and the frame freezes.)