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The Emperor's New Nose
Directed by: David Trainer
Written by: Michael Ross & Thom Bray
Taped: January 22, 1991
Airdate: February 4, 1991
Bernice surprises everyone at Sugarbaker's with the news she is having plastic surgery to make herself look younger. After seeing a computerized reconstruction of her face, she insists on taking a loan against her life insurance policy to pay for the operation. However, when the surgeon makes her nose look like a pig's, everyone is afraid of telling Bernice the truth.
While Bernice is proud of her new look, the women can only stare at her nose in wonder. After discussing it among themselves, the women decide to convince Bernice to have corrective surgery to reshape her nose. However, before they can act, a little boy points out that she looks like Miss Piggy and Bernice is forced to face the facts about her new nose.
Upset with her friends for not having told her the truth, Bernice locks herself in Sugarbaker's storeroom. When Suzanne promises to sell one of her new cars to pay for the operation, Bernice comes out and agrees to have the corrective surgery. Finally, after the operation to repair her nose, Bernice decides it is time to tell the women the truth about what she really thinks of them.
-- Columbia Tri-Star Marketing
Classic Scenes:
CHARLENE: I don't think you need to look any further than this room to find the four biggest hypocrites in Atlanta.
MARY JO: I never thought I'd get flop sweat at a tea party.
SUZANNE: (in reference to Julia's slip-of-the-tongue earlier in front of Bernice How about another nose?!
JULIA: Well, thank you for laughing out loud. That was very helpful.
MARY JO: She must have known what we were thinking. I mean, what must she see when she looks in the mirror?
JULIA: Obviously Bernice is not seeing what's really there. I believe she's in shock.
CHARLENE: Look, maybe we're making too much out of this. Bernice seemed real happy when Anthony took her home, and that's what's important isn't it? I mean, c'mon, what were we all expecting?
SUZANNE: I was expecting something that looked like a nose!
CHARLENE: Maybe we'll all get used to it in time. Y'know, after about four or five years maybe we'll even think it's cute.
MARY JO: I don't think so, Charlene. I think this is really a dilemma for us. I never know, when a friend of yours looks weird, do you say something or not? I mean, you know how it is, when you're at a party and you're laughing and talking and having a good time, and then you get home and you realize that you've had a piece of spinach caught in the front of your teeth all night. And you think "I have looked like Leon Sphinx all night and no one has said anything!" I for one am always grateful when somebody says "Hey, you've got some spinach stuck in your teeth." "Hey, the back of your dress is caught up in your pantyhose." "Hey, there's something in your nose there."
JULIA: Mary Jo! I mean, it's one thing when you're talking about a piece of spinach that can be easily removed, but we're talking about plastic surgery here. Maybe we should just keep our feelings to ourselves.
SUZANNE: (tearfully) I don't know about you all, but I can't bear to look at her.
JULIA: I know. Bernice is our friend and we love her.
SUZANNE: It's not that. It's just............(sobbing) looking at her reminds me of Noel.
CHARLENE: Aww. You're missing your pig aren't you?
JULIA: Suzanne! We do not have time to be thinking about your runaway pig! We have got to decide what we're going to do about Bernice. Obviously she's gotten herself mixed up with a bad doctor. Ok, we can either keep our mouths shut, or we could gently suggest she go see another doctor.
MARY JO: You mean somebody who can make her nose look like it used to?
SUZANNE: Oh right! Like they've got a box sitting around with the rest of Bernice's nose in it waiting to be put back on!
CHARLENE: No no no. That's a good idea. A lot of people get corrective plastic surgery and they look great.
JULIA: Charlene, you're still taking Bernice shopping this afternoon aren't you?
CHARLENE: Uh huh. She feels so good about herself she wants to go out and get herself some new things. It just breaks my heart.
JULIA: I want you to bring her back here afterwards for a drink, and all of us will sit down and gently and possible just be honest with her.
SUZANNE: (sarcasticly) Oh, that outta be easy. We'll just get her liquored up real good and say "Bernice......it's about your snout...."
BERNICE: The doctor promised to make me look like a TV star.
I should have specified.........not Miss Piggy.
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