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Miss Trial
Directed by: David Trainer
Written by: Mark Alton Brown and Dee La Duke
Taped: September 11, 1990
Airdate: October 15, 1990
Because of some charity works she is doing, Julia has been invited to a small dinner party with the former president, Jimmy Carter, and he is wife, Rosalyn. However, returning from a shopping trip to prepare for her big night, Julia is met by a County Marshal and arrested for failing to appear for jury duty. Meanwhile, as part of a radio station promotion, Charlene has won a 92 second shopping spree in a record store.
Although insisting she had been legally excused in the past, Julia chooses to sit on a jury instead of going to jail. After Julia inadvertantly hears the other women discussing her case, Charlene notifies the judge, who has the jury sequestered in a small hotel room for the duration of the trial. In preparation for the shopping spree, Charlene chooses Suzanne as her partner, while Anthony makes detailed maps of the store.
Angered over the slow pace of deliberations, Julia berates the other jurors into reaching a verdict, although too late to make her dinner date with the former president and his wife. Meanwhile, Charlene and Suzanne clean out the store in record time and have to be stopped when they try to take the cash register too. Finally, having missed her dinner, Julia receives a note from the Carters inviting her to join them for coffee at their hotel.
-- Columbia Tri-Star Marketing
Classic Scenes:
After Charlene turns juror Julia in for hearing about her case outside of court.
JULIA: (on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
CHARLENE: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
JULIA: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
CHARLENE: Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
JULIA: Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalind Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!
CHARLENE: Julia? Julia!? (hangs up) Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.
MARY JO: What'd she say?
CHARLENE: She said she was going to hunt me down like a dog and hire blood hounds to rip my clothes off! Now, I thought the judge was just going to give her a warning. I didn't know she was going to be shut up in a motel room. Now, Suzanne, you know Julia. I mean, when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and forgive me, don't you think?
SUZANNE: I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.
MARY JO: Maybe Bill can put in for a transfer. I here there's a big base up in Greenland. On second thought, Julia'd probably just strap some snow shoes to her pumps and track you down like caribou.
CHARLENE: I didn't know Julia had this in her.
MARY JO: Well, we all have things about ourselves that even we don't know.
Julia is trying to push the votes through.
JULIA: Alright, that's 7 to 4; who didn't vote? (woman raises hand) Well, Janice, what is the problem? Did you intend to mime your vote?
JANICE: I'm just not comfortable making a decision yet.
JULIA: I see. And yet you are perfectly comfortable smearing your face with white grease paint and annoying pedestrians all over Atlanta. Interesting. No really, Janice, I think it's time you came to a decision. As a matter of fact, I think it's time you all came to a decision. We've been here almost three days, and apparently you people have nothing better to do then to sit around here hogging up the tax payers' money, eating baskets of friend cheese, and staying at the Fair Price Motel. Which, I understand some of you think is the nicest place you've stayed in a while. (the "no-lip woman" fumes) Well, let me tell you something, it is not the nicest place I've been in a while. And for your further information, I'm having dinner with a former president and first lady of the United States tonight, because we are all going to be out of here. And the reason we're all going to be out of here, is that this case is very simple. Did any of you listen to the judge's instructions? He practically told us to acquit. The case is frivolous! The defendant was not negligent. Case closed! Q.E.D.! Over and out! Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more! Go up to the table and mark your ballets, and if you don't mark them right, I'm going rip that fire extinguisher off the wall and blow your over-fed, under-read, simple- minded butts out onto the Fair Price Motel parking lot!
NO-LIP WOMAN: I don't think jury members are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
JULIA: Oh, really? Well, I don't appreciate you leaving you big 'ole box of June Allison bladder pads on my night stand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course, you don't care if you never get out of here; you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom! Now, I am passing these slips for the final ballet, and I want to tell you right now, read my lips: Mark your slip wrong, and I will wrap it around a fried cheese ball and shove it down your throat!
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