Episode Transcript:
Special thanks to Beth for transcribing this entire episode.
MARY JO: Where is everybody? Don't Julia and Suzanne leave for Japan this
morning?
ANTHONY: Well yes they do, but Julia's not down yet and Suzanne's on her way
over. Hey, what's this I heard Julia say about Suzanne buying a Japanese car?
MARY JO: You know Perky, Suzanne and Julia's mother, has been seeing some
Japanese gentlemen who's a vice-president of a car company and he's going to
give it to her below cost. All she has to do is go over there and take
possession and then they ship it to her.
ANTHONY: Well I can't believe she's getting a discount, I thought the yen was
stronger than the dollar?
MARY JO: Well, I guess not if you're dating somebody.
CHARLENE: Did y'all see this? A guy in Florida is offering re-incarnation
insurance. $9.95, and then when you come back in the next life you get 10
million dollars. You come back as a plant or an animal and you get 20 million.
MARY JO: Charlene....
CHARLENE: What?
MARY JO: Don't you have to get on down to the DMV?
CHARLENE: Oh gosh, you're right! Thanks. Ok. I'll be back in 20 minutes. I
promise.
(Julia enters with one carry-on bag)
JULIA: Is Suzanne here yet?
ANTHONY: Not yet. Do you need some help with your luggage?
JULIA: No thank you. This is all I'm taking. We're only going for four days,
it doesn't make sense to take a lot of clothes.
MARY JO: You know, you all ought to stay longer than four days, you never get
to see your mother.
JULIA: I know, but it wouldn't make any difference if we could stay. Mother
has to leave for Paris on Friday. One of her closest friends is very ill and
she's promised she'd be there. Anyway, here is the number of mother's
apartment in case of an emergency.
(Suzanne enters with several suitcases and carry-ons and drops them in the
floor)
SUZANNE: Can you believe all this stuff? This isn't even half of what I
wanted to take.
How am I ever going to get around with all this? I'm just going to have to get
me some of those little wheels.
JULIA: Suzanne... I'm not spending four hours at the baggage check. You are
taking only what you can carry on.
SUZANNE: Julia, this is what I can carry on. Otherwise, I wouldn't be
carrying it. And I'll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus,
walking around in my stocking feet or taking a bath with my neighbors no matter
what those little people say.
JULIA: Yes, well, It's always stimulating to travel with the international
voice of racism.
(Julia and Suzanne on the plane)
SUZANNE: I can't believe first class is full up. We're back here traveling in
coach, we might as well be on a subway.
JULIA: Suzanne, we are going to be with these people for the next 17 hours.
Let's not offend everybody on board before we leave the runway, ok?
SUZANNE: Julia, I am not offending anyone. We're the only ones here who
understand English.
(Suzanne and Julia are trying to find their seats and Suzanne hits a man with
her carry-on)
JULIA: Suzanne! You just hit that poor man on the head.
SUZANNE: Who him? Oh for Heaven's sake Julia, he's sound asleep.
JULIA: Let's just find our seats.
SUZANNE: Well where are they?
JULIA: I don't know. If history teaches anything, mine will be next to a baby
who smokes.
SUZANNE: Oh! Here they are. Dibs on this seat.
(Suzanne takes the seat in the middle.)
JULIA: Suzanne, I am not gettin' up every ten minutes while you go to the
bathroom and catch up on your mirror time. You should sit here, I should sit in
the middle.
SUZANNE: Too late Julia, I called dibs. Didn't I? (Suzanne punches the man
next to the window) Ah...you don't understand. You probably don't have dibs in
your country. I just hate traveling to underdeveloped lands. And by the way,
just what is he doing sitting by the window? Everybody knows I always have to
sit by the window. He's sitting in my seat. EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! Julia
give me that phrase book. Does it tell you how to say you just get your little
butt out of my window seat right this minute?
JULIA: Suzanne, it's a book for diplomats. It will only tell you how to
politely suggest that he withdraw from his seat over the period of the next
several years.
SUZANNE: SEAT! ME! MINE!
JULIA: Oh very good.
(The man reluctantly gives up his seat to Suzanne, and moves in the middle)
SUZANNE: See, that's better. Told you Julia. I can communicate just fine.
I'm going to be a Good Will Ambassador for our country.
(The stewardess approaches)
CINDY: Hi. My name is Cindy. Would you like anything?
JULIA: Yes. I'd like to renounce my American citizenship.
(Back at Sugarbaker's)
ANTHONY: Oh, hi. You still here?
MARY JO: Yeah, I thought as long as I had the time I'd itemize these bills. I
thought you'd gone home. I turned on the tv for company.
ANTHONY: Hmm. So what' you watchin'? The news?
MARY JO: No, it's one of those issues programs. You know, where they discuss
something and the audience calls in and votes on it. I mean, can you believe
it? Only 45% of the population voted in the last presidential election, and
thousands of people will call in and sound off on "Tube Tops: Yay or Nay".
ANTHONY: Well, I'm just gonna sort through this junk. You mind if I join you?
MARY JO: No.
(Phone rings)
MARY JO: Hello, Sugarbaker's. Oh, hi Charlene. No...they've already gone to
the airport. How's it going at the DMV?
CHARLENE: You know, most of the people down here are real cranky. You know,
they don't know how the department works, they don't know which line goes where
and they just want to get out of here.
MARY JO: Why don't they just ask the employees?
CHARLENE: I was talking about the employees. I guess the honor of being a
public servant's kinda wore off a little bit. I did meet one interesting fella
though in line, you know waiting to get my license renewed. He was having
trouble getting his renewed, you know, because he had a little run-in with the
law.
MARY JO: Traffic ticket?
CHARLENE: Well no, he once hijacked a bus. Can you imagine that? Hijacking a
Greyhound Bus? I mean, what do you say? "Take this bus to Louisville and step
on it, I'm giving you nine days." Oh! I gotta go, I gotta go. He's holding my
place in line.
MARY JO: All right, Charlene. Well, it's good to hear from ya. If you need us
we'll be right here at mission control. All right. Bye bye.
(On the airplane)
JULIA: Excuse me, Cindy. How old is this airplane?
CINDY: How old?
JULIA: That's right.
CINDY: I'm sorry, it's a company policy we're not allowed to tell the
customers how old the plane is.
JULIA: Not allowed? Plane age is a major factor in air safety and we as
passengers are not allowed to know?
CINDY: I'm sorry.
JULIA: I see. What exactly are we supposed to do? Wait until one of the
wings drops off and count the rings?
CINDY: I'm sorry. I could tell you my age if you'd like.
JULIA: That's very funny Cindy. I enjoy airline humor. Thank you for
stopping by.
(Back at Sugarbaker's where Mary Jo and Anthony are calling the topics show)
MARY JO: Hurry up, hurry up. I'm about to do another one.
ANTHONY: Mary Jo, you have already called in and voted too many times, the
operator is going to know your voice.
MARY JO: No they won't. Listen. "Hello. Is this the number you call to vote
on 'Were they too hard on Jim Bakker?' Yes, well I'd like to vote no. That's
my vote. This is Tammy Faye and I ought to know!"
ANTHONY: Well, there it is. No just went up another percentage point.
MARY JO: I think those last ten calls of mine really put it over.
(Back on the plane...)
SUZANNE: Julia, what's wrong?
JULIA: Oh...I just keep thinking about that movie "Airport". It was on cable
the other night, I wish I'd never seen it.
SUZANNE: You worried about crashing?
JULIA: No Suzanne. I'm worried there might be a nun on board with a guitar.
SUZANNE: What's wrong with you?
JULIA: I don't know. I'm just kinda edgy. I guess I'm excited about seeing
mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with
mother will be seeing the "Real Japan".
SUZANNE: Julia, I am just here to visit mother and pick up a car. I do not
want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the "Real Japan", I've
noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the "real" anything,
what they're talking about basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now
I say, I don't hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on
vacation? Lookit here, he is sittin' on my purse strap.
EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!
Get the phrase book Julia, does it tell you how to say you're sittin' on my
purse strap?
JULIA: Suzanne, it might be a nice gesture if you learned one or two words in
Japanese instead of just hollerin at these people. Say, "Gomennasai". That
means excuse me say "gomennasai".
SUZANNE: Go what?
JULIA: Never mind. I'll say it. "Gomennasai, suutsukeesu ga illimas".
SAM: Ma'am I know I'm on her purse strap. And I'm gonna get off of it as soon
as I get re-situated here. And just for the record, if there's anything else
you all want to do to me, besides moving me, insulting me or waking me up, just
do it all in English, cause I'm from Conyers Georgia. I might look Japanese,
but I'm really a Bubba. Ok?
(Back at Sugarbaker's)
MARY JO: How many times have we called, Anthony?
ANTHONY: 'Bout three or four hundred.
MARY JO: I'm havin' such a good time it reminds me of snow days. You remember
snow days. You know, you'd wake up in the mornin' and there'd be a couple of
inches of snow on the ground and while Mama was fixin' breakfast we'd be
sittin' around listenin to the radio to see which schools were closed, and
which schools were gonna be open. And we'd sit there and just pray and pray
"Please oh please oh please say Franklin Elementary." And then the radio would
say, "And Franklin Elementary" and we would just roll all around the floor in
our jammies saying "Yes, yes yes!"
ANTHONY: And then what would you do?
MARY JO: Well, then we would spend about 45 minutes getting into our snow
clothes and then we'd go outside for about 10 minutes and it'd be too cold so
then we'd come in and have some hot chocolate and watch tv and make prank phone
calls.
ANTHONY: Mmm-hmm. That sounds just like today.
MARY JO: Yeah, sorta. Anthony, why don't you vote a couple more times? Come
on, come on...then we'll quit. Do that West Indian voice-I just love that.
ANTHONY: OK. First, turn up the television and make sure we're on the same
topic.
MARY JO: All right.
TV ANNOUNCER: Well the tide has really turned. In the last hour we've gone
from 24% saying Jim Bakker got a raw deal to nearly 90% saying he got what he
deserved. Keep calling in, and remember each call costs $2.00.
(Anthony and Mary Jo stare at each other in panic....)
(Julia and Suzanne are in the airport. Julia is talking on the phone)
JULIA: I told you, we don't have any money and we don't have any luggage
because we were robbed right here in the Tokyo airport by some ugly American
hippies. And on top of that, the heel on my shoe is broken and I can't walk.
We're just waiting for somebody to catch 'em. No, no, no you don't
understand. My mother had to go to Paris because of the death of a friend. We
can't get in her apartment because we don't have any identification and the
landlady won't give us a key. Well you are the American consulate aren't you?
I mean, I thought you were supposed to give us shelter or something. NO! I
don't want the number of the Holiday Inn. OK. That's it. I want your name
right now. Carl Lonias. OK Carl, I just want you to know that when I get back
to the United States, I'm gonna find you again and you are going to be
punished. You can count on it.
SUZANNE: I knew something like this was gonna happen. I mean why do we even
try? We never have good vacations. Let's face it, it's just not in the cards
for us. I think the next time we get the urge to leave home, we should just
get under our beds and stay there 'til it passes.
JULIA: I just cannot believe that the police in this airport cannot track down
three dirty lookin' long-haired hippies pushin a cart full of luggage at ninety
miles an hour. I mean it's not like they wouldn't stand out.
SUZANNE: Well at least you have our tickets in your pocket, you have me to
thank for that.
JULIA: You? Why?
SUZANNE: Because you said I was incompetent and might lose mine. That's why
you put 'em in there.
(Julia approaches a couple in the airport)
JULIA: Excuse me, excuse me. You seem to be Americans. I am an American
too. My name is Julia Sugarbaker. Might we borrow five or ten dollars,
whatever you can spare?
(The couple look disgusted and walk away)
SAM: Hey! Heard anything about your luggage or your purses yet?
JULIA: No.
SAM: Ah, that's too bad. Listen, I went ahead and bought a couple of
toothbrushes out of the vending machine over there.
JULIA: Oh, thank you. That's very kind.
SAM: Hey, I have a wife of my own. Boy, I'd sure hate for her to be alone and
penniless in a strange city.
SUZANNE: I'm sorry for all those mean things I did to you on the plane. Could
you give me some cash?
SAM: I guess I could spare a little. I'm kinda strapped myself. I'm a slack
salesman in-between jobs right now. Tomorrow I have a big job interview with a
big Japanese firm. Kind of a last resort. If I don't get it, I'll probably
kill myself.
SUZANNE: Well I don't mean to be unfeeling, but if you do kill yourself, could
we have your money?
JULIA: Suzanne.
SAM: Well you all still have your tickets, don't ya? You could just go home.
JULIA: No, we can't do that. We have a weekend excursion, we can't leave 'til
Sunday.
SUZANNE: That's right. See, we have some money being wired to us, it's just
that in the meantime, you know, we need some place to stay.
SAM: Well I guess you could come to my hotel with me. Explain your
situation. But I wasn't spending money on a cab.
JULIA: Oh no, that's fine, that's all right. We'd appreciate it. How far is
it?
SAM: About eighteen blocks.
(Julia and Suzanne follow Sam, Julia with her heel broken on one shoe is
hobbling along.)
SUZANNE: I can't believe that any Chamber of Commerce in the world would allow
this place to call itself a hotel. This isn't a hotel, it's a bunch of
shelves.
SAM: It's where I'm staying. I'm on a budget.
JULIA: That's right Suzanne, we should be grateful. And with the
international trade fair in town, we're lucky Sam is willing to share the only
shelf left.
SAM: Listen, I know I said we could all take turns, but that way nobody's
gonna sleep. So why don't you two just take the whole cubicle for the whole
night?
JULIA: No, no, you've got your big interview tomorrow. No, we couldn't do
that. It would be too much.
SUZANNE: I could.
SAM: You go on up with her. I know you're tired.
JULIA: Well this is ridiculous. We're all tired. I know it's irregular but
who cares? Let's just lie down and go to sleep. We won't even notice that
we're lying next to each other.
SAM: OK, but don't ever tell my wife.
(Julia, Suzanne and Sam are all lying in the cubicle)
JULIA: Is everybody comfortable?
SUZANNE: Oh yeah...great.
JULIA: Lights out.
(the lights go out in the cubicle)
SUZANNE: Would you please take your hand off my breast?
SAM: Hey, I'm sorry.
SUZANNE: Not you. Julia.
JULIA: Suzanne, I'm tired. I've had it. Now I need some place to rest my
hand and if you've got something to rest it on, I'm gonna use it. Just be
quiet and go to sleep.
(Julia and Suzanne are in the "hotel" bathroom. Julia is taking a shower.)
JULIA: Just think Suzanne...tomorrow we get the car, we get the money. The next
day we fly home.
SUZANNE: Hallelujah. I am never going anywhere again. I'm not even going in
my backyard.
JULIA: You know, I'm very proud of us. We have been stripped of all civilized
necessities and we did not fall apart.
SUZANNE: I fell apart. Most time when you thought I was out panhandling, I
was just sitting in that big pay toilet cryin.
JULIA: The important thing is, we didn't lose our sense of humor.
(A lady walks into the bathroom and gets into the shower with Julia)
JULIA: I beg your pardon.
LADY: Hey I'm in a hurry, ok? Besides, you haven't got anything I haven't
seen before.
SUZANNE: Don't worry Julia, I'll get her name. She'll be punished.
(Back at Sugarbaker's)
MARY JO: Anthony, now when you said we made 400 calls, you were just
exaggerating for humorous effect, weren't you?
ANTHONY: Yes.
MARY JO: How many phone calls do you think we really made?
ANTHONY: 350
MARY JO: We're in trouble. Wouldn't you know it. Now that I think of it, I
always did get into trouble on snow days. I wish I was in Japan with Suzanne
and Julia. Just think of 'em. Staying in a fancy hotel, livin it up.
ANTHONY: You know, my share of $350 is not a lot of money for some people, but
for me it is. I'm probably gonna have to get a second job and sell my corneas.
MARY JO: No, it's not that bad. It's not like those stories you hear about
where some kid gets hold of a dial-a-porn number and spends his parents entire
life savings talkin to somebody named Lola. Hey!
ANTHONY: What?
MARY JO: You know I saw this very thing on the news, and you know what
happened?
The parents called the phone company and told them it was the work of one
wayward child and the phone company took the charge off the bill. It's worth a
try.
(Mary Jo calls the phone company)
MARY JO: Customer Service please. Hello. Yes. I'm calling from 555-8600 and
my son has something that he wants to tell you.
ANTHONY: (in a little boy voice) I've been a naughty, naughty boy.
(Julia and Suzanne go to sign for Suzanne's car)
SUZANNE: That's right. As a matter-of-fact we're on our way now to buy some
new outfits. We just have to pick up a money wire.
AKIYAMA: You ladies are from the American South aren't you? I very much
like the movie "Gone With the Wind". It shows the American Southern woman to
be demure, helpless and sweet. Most of all, forgiving. Very much like the
Japanese woman.
JULIA: Yes, well there's one little difference. When a Southern woman walks
on a man's back, she means it.
AKIYAMA: I'm sorry. They were bringing your car across the bay from the factory
and it fell off the ferry. How you say in American? "Your car drowned."
SUZANNE: My car fell into the ocean? I can't believe this. It's gone?
Everything's gone? Three days of eating garbage out of vending machines and
sleeping with a man we don't even know and for what? A car at the bottom of
the ocean.
JULIA: (taking out her notebook) I'm very sorry. I'm going to need the
spelling of your name.
(Back on the airplane)
JULIA: I can't believe we got that same stewardess.
SAM: I can't believe I didn't get that job.
SUZANNE: I can't believe my car's in the ocean.
JULIA: Listen, Suzanne, when we get home let's not go on and on about what
happened. Our vacations are always so horrendous, makes us look foolish.
Let's just say we had a nice time and leave it at that.
SUZANNE: Julia, I just want to forget it. What'd you think, we'd have people
over and show slides? Oh yes, 'there's my sister at the Tokyo airport violating
a Coke machine.'
SAM: As long as we're having this discussion, my wife's gonna be at the
airport. If y'all don't mind I'd just as soon she not know that we all slept
together.
(Cindy, the stewardess, looks at the three of them on this confession)
(Back at Sugarbaker's. Mary Jo is counting out money)
MARY JO: Six hundred and seventy, six hundred and eighty, six hundred and
ninety, seven hundred...I can't believe it. We made it. That's every bit of the
money from my garage sale.
ANTHONY: Well, at least you didn't have to sell your garage. I'll just put
this right in this envelope and run it right on down to the phone company.
MARY JO: Listen, when Suzanne and Julia come in, not a word. They will just
think that we are too irresponsible ever to be left alone again, and of course,
obviously we are.
(Julia and Suzanne enter)
SUZANNE: Hi.
MARY JO: Did ya have a great time?
JULIA: It was very stimulating.
ANTHONY: Well where's that car?
SUZANNE: Oh, Anthony. They don't let ya bring it with ya! You know Julia, I
think I'll just go on upstairs with you and freshen up a little bit before I go
home.
MARY JO: Where's your luggage?
JULIA: Oh, it's coming. It was delayed. How did everything go around here?
MARY JO: Real quiet.
ANTHONY: Oh actually it's been boring.
JULIA: Well, it's sure nice to be home.
MARY JO: Well, it's just great to have you home.
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