Special thanks to Beth for transcribing this entire episode.
MARY JO: Where is everybody? Donít Julia and Suzanne leave for Japan this
ANTHONY: Well yes they do, but Juliaís not down yet and Suzanneís on her way
over. Hey, whatís this I heard Julia say about Suzanne buying a Japanese car?
MARY JO: You know Perky, Suzanne and Juliaís mother, has been seeing some
Japanese gentlemen whoís a vice-president of a car company and heís going to
give it to her below cost. All she has to do is go over there and take
possession and then they ship it to her.
ANTHONY: Well I canít believe sheís getting a discount, I thought the yen was
stronger than the dollar?
MARY JO: Well, I guess not if youíre dating somebody.
CHARLENE: Did yíall see this? A guy in Florida is offering re-incarnation
insurance. $9.95, and then when you come back in the next life you get 10
million dollars. You come back as a plant or an animal and you get 20 million.
MARY JO: Charlene....
MARY JO: Donít you have to get on down to the DMV?
CHARLENE: Oh gosh, youíre right! Thanks. Ok. Iíll be back in 20 minutes. I
(Julia enters with one carry-on bag)
JULIA: Is Suzanne here yet?
ANTHONY: Not yet. Do you need some help with your luggage?
JULIA: No thank you. This is all Iím taking. Weíre only going for four days,
it doesnít make sense to take a lot of clothes.
MARY JO: You know, you all ought to stay longer than four days, you never get
to see your mother.
JULIA: I know, but it wouldnít make any difference if we could stay. Mother
has to leave for Paris on Friday. One of her closest friends is very ill and
sheís promised sheíd be there. Anyway, here is the number of motherís
apartment in case of an emergency.
(Suzanne enters with several suitcases and carry-ons and drops them in the
SUZANNE: Can you believe all this stuff? This isnít even half of what I
wanted to take.
How am I ever going to get around with all this? Iím just going to have to get
me some of those little wheels.
JULIA: SuzanneÖ Iím not spending four hours at the baggage check. You are
taking only what you can carry on.
SUZANNE: Julia, this is what I can carry on. Otherwise, I wouldnít be
carrying it. And Iíll tell you something else. I am not eating octopus,
walking around in my stocking feet or taking a bath with my neighbors no matter
what those little people say.
JULIA: Yes, well, Itís always stimulating to travel with the international
voice of racism.
(Julia and Suzanne on the plane)
SUZANNE: I canít believe first class is full up. Weíre back here traveling in
coach, we might as well be on a subway.
JULIA: Suzanne, we are going to be with these people for the next 17 hours.
Letís not offend everybody on board before we leave the runway, ok?
SUZANNE: Julia, I am not offending anyone. Weíre the only ones here who
(Suzanne and Julia are trying to find their seats and Suzanne hits a man with
JULIA: Suzanne! You just hit that poor man on the head.
SUZANNE: Who him? Oh for Heavenís sake Julia, heís sound asleep.
JULIA: Letís just find our seats.
SUZANNE: Well where are they?
JULIA: I donít know. If history teaches anything, mine will be next to a baby
SUZANNE: Oh! Here they are. Dibs on this seat.
(Suzanne takes the seat in the middle.)
JULIA: Suzanne, I am not gettiní up every ten minutes while you go to the
bathroom and catch up on your mirror time. You should sit here, I should sit in
SUZANNE: Too late Julia, I called dibs. Didnít I? (Suzanne punches the man
next to the window) AhÖyou donít understand. You probably donít have dibs in
your country. I just hate traveling to underdeveloped lands. And by the way,
just what is he doing sitting by the window? Everybody knows I always have to
sit by the window. Heís sitting in my seat. EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! Julia
give me that phrase book. Does it tell you how to say you just get your little
butt out of my window seat right this minute?
JULIA: Suzanne, itís a book for diplomats. It will only tell you how to
politely suggest that he withdraw from his seat over the period of the next
SUZANNE: SEAT! ME! MINE!
JULIA: Oh very good.
(The man reluctantly gives up his seat to Suzanne, and moves in the middle)
SUZANNE: See, thatís better. Told you Julia. I can communicate just fine.
Iím going to be a Good Will Ambassador for our country.
(The stewardess approaches)
CINDY: Hi. My name is Cindy. Would you like anything?
JULIA: Yes. Iíd like to renounce my American citizenship.
(Back at Sugarbakerís)
ANTHONY: Oh, hi. You still here?
MARY JO: Yeah, I thought as long as I had the time Iíd itemize these bills. I
thought youíd gone home. I turned on the tv for company.
ANTHONY: Hmm. So whatí you watchiní? The news?
MARY JO: No, itís one of those issues programs. You know, where they discuss
something and the audience calls in and votes on it. I mean, can you believe
it? Only 45% of the population voted in the last presidential election, and
thousands of people will call in and sound off on ďTube Tops: Yay or NayĒ.
ANTHONY: Well, Iím just gonna sort through this junk. You mind if I join you?
MARY JO: No.
MARY JO: Hello, Sugarbakerís. Oh, hi Charlene. NoÖtheyíve already gone to
the airport. Howís it going at the DMV?
CHARLENE: You know, most of the people down here are real cranky. You know,
they donít know how the department works, they donít know which line goes where
and they just want to get out of here.
MARY JO: Why donít they just ask the employees?
CHARLENE: I was talking about the employees. I guess the honor of being a
public servantís kinda wore off a little bit. I did meet one interesting fella
though in line, you know waiting to get my license renewed. He was having
trouble getting his renewed, you know, because he had a little run-in with the
MARY JO: Traffic ticket?
CHARLENE: Well no, he once hijacked a bus. Can you imagine that? Hijacking a
Greyhound Bus? I mean, what do you say? ďTake this bus to Louisville and step
on it, Iím giving you nine days.Ē Oh! I gotta go, I gotta go. Heís holding my
place in line.
MARY JO: All right, Charlene. Well, itís good to hear from ya. If you need us
weíll be right here at mission control. All right. Bye bye.
(On the airplane)
JULIA: Excuse me, Cindy. How old is this airplane?
CINDY: How old?
JULIA: Thatís right.
CINDY: Iím sorry, itís a company policy weíre not allowed to tell the
customers how old the plane is.
JULIA: Not allowed? Plane age is a major factor in air safety and we as
passengers are not allowed to know?
CINDY: Iím sorry.
JULIA: I see. What exactly are we supposed to do? Wait until one of the
wings drops off and count the rings?
CINDY: Iím sorry. I could tell you my age if youíd like.
JULIA: Thatís very funny Cindy. I enjoy airline humor. Thank you for
(Back at Sugarbakerís where Mary Jo and Anthony are calling the topics show)
MARY JO: Hurry up, hurry up. Iím about to do another one.
ANTHONY: Mary Jo, you have already called in and voted too many times, the
operator is going to know your voice.
MARY JO: No they wonít. Listen. ďHello. Is this the number you call to vote
on ĎWere they too hard on Jim Bakker?í Yes, well Iíd like to vote no. Thatís
my vote. This is Tammy Faye and I ought to know!Ē
ANTHONY: Well, there it is. No just went up another percentage point.
MARY JO: I think those last ten calls of mine really put it over.
(Back on the planeÖ)
SUZANNE: Julia, whatís wrong?
JULIA: OhÖI just keep thinking about that movie ďAirportĒ. It was on cable
the other night, I wish Iíd never seen it.
SUZANNE: You worried about crashing?
JULIA: No Suzanne. Iím worried there might be a nun on board with a guitar.
SUZANNE: Whatís wrong with you?
JULIA: I donít know. Iím just kinda edgy. I guess Iím excited about seeing
mother again, visiting a totally new country. Of course, seeing Japan with
mother will be seeing the ďReal JapanĒ.
SUZANNE: Julia, I am just here to visit mother and pick up a car. I do not
want to have any cultural experiences. As for seeing the ďReal JapanĒ, Iíve
noticed that whenever people start talking about seeing the ďrealĒ anything,
what theyíre talking about basically, is hanging around with poor people. Now
I say, I donít hang around with poor people at home, why should I do it on
vacation? Lookit here, he is sittiní on my purse strap.
EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!
Get the phrase book Julia, does it tell you how to say youíre sittiní on my
JULIA: Suzanne, it might be a nice gesture if you learned one or two words in
Japanese instead of just hollerin at these people. Say, ďGomennasaiĒ. That
means excuse me say ďgomennasaiĒ.
SUZANNE: Go what?
JULIA: Never mind. Iíll say it. ďGomennasai, suutsukeesu ga illimasĒ.
SAM: Maíam I know Iím on her purse strap. And Iím gonna get off of it as soon
as I get re-situated here. And just for the record, if thereís anything else
you all want to do to me, besides moving me, insulting me or waking me up, just
do it all in English, cause Iím from Conyers Georgia. I might look Japanese,
but Iím really a Bubba. Ok?
(Back at Sugarbakerís)
MARY JO: How many times have we called, Anthony?
ANTHONY: ĎBout three or four hundred.
MARY JO: Iím haviní such a good time it reminds me of snow days. You remember
snow days. You know, youíd wake up in the morniní and thereíd be a couple of
inches of snow on the ground and while Mama was fixiní breakfast weíd be
sittiní around listenin to the radio to see which schools were closed, and
which schools were gonna be open. And weíd sit there and just pray and pray
ďPlease oh please oh please say Franklin Elementary.Ē And then the radio would
say, ďAnd Franklin ElementaryĒ and we would just roll all around the floor in
our jammies saying ďYes, yes yes!Ē
ANTHONY: And then what would you do?
MARY JO: Well, then we would spend about 45 minutes getting into our snow
clothes and then weíd go outside for about 10 minutes and itíd be too cold so
then weíd come in and have some hot chocolate and watch tv and make prank phone
ANTHONY: Mmm-hmm. That sounds just like today.
MARY JO: Yeah, sorta. Anthony, why donít you vote a couple more times? Come
on, come onÖthen weíll quit. Do that West Indian voice-I just love that.
ANTHONY: OK. First, turn up the television and make sure weíre on the same
MARY JO: All right.
TV ANNOUNCER: Well the tide has really turned. In the last hour weíve gone
from 24% saying Jim Bakker got a raw deal to nearly 90% saying he got what he
deserved. Keep calling in, and remember each call costs $2.00.
(Anthony and Mary Jo stare at each other in panic....)
(Julia and Suzanne are in the airport. Julia is talking on the phone)
JULIA: I told you, we donít have any money and we donít have any luggage
because we were robbed right here in the Tokyo airport by some ugly American
hippies. And on top of that, the heel on my shoe is broken and I canít walk.
Weíre just waiting for somebody to catch Ďem. No, no, no you donít
understand. My mother had to go to Paris because of the death of a friend. We
canít get in her apartment because we donít have any identification and the
landlady wonít give us a key. Well you are the American consulate arenít you?
I mean, I thought you were supposed to give us shelter or something. NO! I
donít want the number of the Holiday Inn. OK. Thatís it. I want your name
right now. Carl Lonias. OK Carl, I just want you to know that when I get back
to the United States, Iím gonna find you again and you are going to be
punished. You can count on it.
SUZANNE: I knew something like this was gonna happen. I mean why do we even
try? We never have good vacations. Letís face it, itís just not in the cards
for us. I think the next time we get the urge to leave home, we should just
get under our beds and stay there Ďtil it passes.
JULIA: I just cannot believe that the police in this airport cannot track down
three dirty lookiní long-haired hippies pushin a cart full of luggage at ninety
miles an hour. I mean itís not like they wouldnít stand out.
SUZANNE: Well at least you have our tickets in your pocket, you have me to
thank for that.
JULIA: You? Why?
SUZANNE: Because you said I was incompetent and might lose mine. Thatís why
you put Ďem in there.
(Julia approaches a couple in the airport)
JULIA: Excuse me, excuse me. You seem to be Americans. I am an American
too. My name is Julia Sugarbaker. Might we borrow five or ten dollars,
whatever you can spare?
(The couple look disgusted and walk away)
SAM: Hey! Heard anything about your luggage or your purses yet?
SAM: Ah, thatís too bad. Listen, I went ahead and bought a couple of
toothbrushes out of the vending machine over there.
JULIA: Oh, thank you. Thatís very kind.
SAM: Hey, I have a wife of my own. Boy, Iíd sure hate for her to be alone and
penniless in a strange city.
SUZANNE: Iím sorry for all those mean things I did to you on the plane. Could
you give me some cash?
SAM: I guess I could spare a little. Iím kinda strapped myself. Iím a slack
salesman in-between jobs right now. Tomorrow I have a big job interview with a
big Japanese firm. Kind of a last resort. If I donít get it, Iíll probably
SUZANNE: Well I donít mean to be unfeeling, but if you do kill yourself, could
we have your money?
SAM: Well you all still have your tickets, donít ya? You could just go home.
JULIA: No, we canít do that. We have a weekend excursion, we canít leave Ďtil
SUZANNE: Thatís right. See, we have some money being wired to us, itís just
that in the meantime, you know, we need some place to stay.
SAM: Well I guess you could come to my hotel with me. Explain your
situation. But I wasnít spending money on a cab.
JULIA: Oh no, thatís fine, thatís all right. Weíd appreciate it. How far is
SAM: About eighteen blocks.
(Julia and Suzanne follow Sam, Julia with her heel broken on one shoe is
SUZANNE: I canít believe that any Chamber of Commerce in the world would allow
this place to call itself a hotel. This isnít a hotel, itís a bunch of
SAM: Itís where Iím staying. Iím on a budget.
JULIA: Thatís right Suzanne, we should be grateful. And with the
international trade fair in town, weíre lucky Sam is willing to share the only
SAM: Listen, I know I said we could all take turns, but that way nobodyís
gonna sleep. So why donít you two just take the whole cubicle for the whole
JULIA: No, no, youíve got your big interview tomorrow. No, we couldnít do
that. It would be too much.
SUZANNE: I could.
SAM: You go on up with her. I know youíre tired.
JULIA: Well this is ridiculous. Weíre all tired. I know itís irregular but
who cares? Letís just lie down and go to sleep. We wonít even notice that
weíre lying next to each other.
SAM: OK, but donít ever tell my wife.
(Julia, Suzanne and Sam are all lying in the cubicle)
JULIA: Is everybody comfortable?
SUZANNE: Oh yeahÖgreat.
JULIA: Lights out.
(the lights go out in the cubicle)
SUZANNE: Would you please take your hand off my breast?
SAM: Hey, Iím sorry.
SUZANNE: Not you. Julia.
JULIA: Suzanne, Iím tired. Iíve had it. Now I need some place to rest my
hand and if youíve got something to rest it on, Iím gonna use it. Just be
quiet and go to sleep.
(Julia and Suzanne are in the ďhotelĒ bathroom. Julia is taking a shower.)
JULIA: Just think SuzanneÖtomorrow we get the car, we get the money. The next
day we fly home.
SUZANNE: Hallelujah. I am never going anywhere again. Iím not even going in
JULIA: You know, Iím very proud of us. We have been stripped of all civilized
necessities and we did not fall apart.
SUZANNE: I fell apart. Most time when you thought I was out panhandling, I
was just sitting in that big pay toilet cryin.
JULIA: The important thing is, we didnít lose our sense of humor.
(A lady walks into the bathroom and gets into the shower with Julia)
JULIA: I beg your pardon.
LADY: Hey Iím in a hurry, ok? Besides, you havenít got anything I havenít
SUZANNE: Donít worry Julia, Iíll get her name. Sheíll be punished.
(Back at Sugarbakerís)
MARY JO: Anthony, now when you said we made 400 calls, you were just
exaggerating for humorous effect, werenít you?
MARY JO: How many phone calls do you think we really made?
MARY JO: Weíre in trouble. Wouldnít you know it. Now that I think of it, I
always did get into trouble on snow days. I wish I was in Japan with Suzanne
and Julia. Just think of Ďem. Staying in a fancy hotel, livin it up.
ANTHONY: You know, my share of $350 is not a lot of money for some people, but
for me it is. Iím probably gonna have to get a second job and sell my corneas.
MARY JO: No, itís not that bad. Itís not like those stories you hear about
where some kid gets hold of a dial-a-porn number and spends his parents entire
life savings talkin to somebody named Lola. Hey!
MARY JO: You know I saw this very thing on the news, and you know what
The parents called the phone company and told them it was the work of one
wayward child and the phone company took the charge off the bill. Itís worth a
(Mary Jo calls the phone company)
MARY JO: Customer Service please. Hello. Yes. Iím calling from 555-8600 and
my son has something that he wants to tell you.
ANTHONY: (in a little boy voice) Iíve been a naughty, naughty boy.
(Julia and Suzanne go to sign for Suzanne's car)
SUZANNE: Thatís right. As a matter-of-fact weíre on our way now to buy some
new outfits. We just have to pick up a money wire.
AKIYAMA: You ladies are from the American South arenít you? I very much
like the movie ďGone With the WindĒ. It shows the American Southern woman to
be demure, helpless and sweet. Most of all, forgiving. Very much like the
JULIA: Yes, well thereís one little difference. When a Southern woman walks
on a manís back, she means it.
AKIYAMA: Iím sorry. They were bringing your car across the bay from the factory
and it fell off the ferry. How you say in American? ďYour car drowned.Ē
SUZANNE: My car fell into the ocean? I canít believe this. Itís gone?
Everythingís gone? Three days of eating garbage out of vending machines and
sleeping with a man we donít even know and for what? A car at the bottom of
JULIA: (taking out her notebook) Iím very sorry. Iím going to need the
spelling of your name.
(Back on the airplane)
JULIA: I canít believe we got that same stewardess.
SAM: I canít believe I didnít get that job.
SUZANNE: I canít believe my carís in the ocean.
JULIA: Listen, Suzanne, when we get home letís not go on and on about what
happened. Our vacations are always so horrendous, makes us look foolish.
Letís just say we had a nice time and leave it at that.
SUZANNE: Julia, I just want to forget it. Whatíd you think, weíd have people
over and show slides? Oh yes, 'thereís my sister at the Tokyo airport violating
a Coke machine.'
SAM: As long as weíre having this discussion, my wifeís gonna be at the
airport. If yíall donít mind Iíd just as soon she not know that we all slept
(Cindy, the stewardess, looks at the three of them on this confession)
(Back at Sugarbakerís. Mary Jo is counting out money)
MARY JO: Six hundred and seventy, six hundred and eighty, six hundred and
ninety, seven hundredÖI canít believe it. We made it. Thatís every bit of the
money from my garage sale.
ANTHONY: Well, at least you didnít have to sell your garage. Iíll just put
this right in this envelope and run it right on down to the phone company.
MARY JO: Listen, when Suzanne and Julia come in, not a word. They will just
think that we are too irresponsible ever to be left alone again, and of course,
obviously we are.
(Julia and Suzanne enter)
MARY JO: Did ya have a great time?
JULIA: It was very stimulating.
ANTHONY: Well whereís that car?
SUZANNE: Oh, Anthony. They donít let ya bring it with ya! You know Julia, I
think Iíll just go on upstairs with you and freshen up a little bit before I go
MARY JO: Whereís your luggage?
JULIA: Oh, itís coming. It was delayed. How did everything go around here?
MARY JO: Real quiet.
ANTHONY: Oh actually itís been boring.
JULIA: Well, itís sure nice to be home.
MARY JO: Well, itís just great to have you home.
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