Miss Sugarbaker Goes to Washington

Well, now that Ray's gone, it was my obligation to keep his Congressional seat warm until they find someone else to fill it -- though I'm sure I was chosen to add some glamour to Washington. However, I do wish that C-SPAN cameraman on the House floor would have put cheesecloth over the lens and moved to shoot me from my best side as I advised him to. That's the breaks.

It all started a few days ago when I arrived here. My new staff was awaiting me when I arrived at Ray's office. At first I thought I may have to get rid of this Natty girl. She's whining at me and getting on my nerves worse than my sister Julia. And then there's Malone, who comes complete with the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval. Sissy, on the other hand, is the only one who seems halfway normal, which is saying a lot considering Malone told me she was mixing Morning Glory in with her health drink. They were all pretty critical of my attitude -- and Jim's, but I think they're just wound too tight like everyone else around here. I mean, some of the women in this town are still running around wearing bubble haircuts and dickeys! I suppose it is a good idea to have some Washington insiders on my staff, but I still think Natty's bun is a bit too tight and she could use an estrogen refill.

And then there was Crossfire. Everyone made such a big deal out of me going on there. Even though I would have had them eating out of my hand if I could have used my fire batons, I did at least say what I thought were some real cute answers. And as for "Knick-Knack-Gate," I think I should sue a few papers for slander. I mean, so what if I put some of Jim's spoonrests in the gift shop to make extra money for his school? It's not like I went out and whacked some ice skater on the knee! I mean, the articles about me even knocked O.J. Simpson off of the front page!! Plus, what would I do with the kind of money you make off of ceramic anyway? And I will admit that I've put on a few pounds -- but I am not now, nor will I ever be "zaftig!" This town needs to lighten up!

I was going to pack up and move back to Georgia until I talked to Desi and Jim. Desi was afraid that no one at school would like her, and I realized I had the same fear at work. It's amazing how much of yourself you can see in your child. Anyway, we all talked and I realized that for all of our sakes, I didn't want to run out and quit. We Sugarbakers are not quitters! After watching "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" with Jim the other night, we realized if Mr. Smith came to Washington today, these Washington people would beat the hell out of him! Then Desi and I did our "Dream Girls" routine -- and let me tell you, Jennifer Holliday's voice singing "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" gave me the strength to fight back.

I took my time on the House floor and let the political establishment know that they didn't own this country, and that I was here to stay. I blew the rugs right off of a few of those Congressmen's heads! I saw that little green light on top of the camera and it was just like the old days again - I was witty and incisive and I told all these corpses that I'm alive and well and not going anywhere! Then I even went jogging with the President -- well, sort of.

Guess Who's Sleeping in Lincoln's Bed?

I knew they were gonna say it, and they are: "Howard Taft, the fattest President that lived in the White House slept in Lincoln's bed, but it took Suzanne Sugarbaker to break it!" Bill invited me to spend an evening at the White House with himself and Hillary, but as usual, the forces of nature didn't want me to attend!

Originally, he and Hillary were supposed to have dinner at my house, but they had to cancel out -- which is probably a good thing considering Natty shot down every plan that I had for the evening. I wanted to do a song and dance medley with songs with the name "Bill" in them; "Wedding Bell Blues (Come on and Marry Me Bill)," "Don't Mess With Bill," etc. She shot down that idea before I even had it worked out. Next, I invited Jamie Farr as my guest, despite Natty's forceful argument. That was a move that in hindsight I wish I hadn't made -- I should have done what Jim said and invited Barney the Dinosaur instead!

Malone's enrolled in an art class and she's been running around for the past week doodling pictures of naked men. It wouldn't bother me so much, but I keep finding the things lying around everywhere! What am I gonna do if Desi and Jim show up and there's this big penis lying there on my desk right in plain view?

Then I finally arrived at the White House. I really don't know what came over me, but when I got into Lincoln's bedroom, I got excited and began jumping up and down on the bed. Obviously that 19th century craftsmanship was nothing compared to the craftsmanship on my brass bed at home, because just jumping around a few times caused the slats to break -- and they say antiques were built to last! On top of everything, there was this lecherous little intern hovering outside my door that wanted to bug me every two seconds. No wonder Hillary fired one of them, the little suckers won't let go!

I spent the whole evening faking ill with that little termite trying to gnaw his way through the door while I waited for Natty, Sissy, and Malone to sneak in something to replace the slats. Hours later, when they finally arrived, they had this board that Natty bought for her back, which now boasts another of Malone's nude men in six-foot sharpie outline! They told security that it was a gift for the President, so I hope they don't think Bill has become a complete homosexual! Anyway, they put the board under the bed to replace the broken pieces, which we burned in the fireplace.

By the time we had the bed fixed, it was too late for my dinner plans, so the four of us squealed with delight with the fact that we were in Lincoln's bedroom. In all the confusion, I forgot to call and tell Jamie that dinner was off, so I got him a White House pass and had Sapphire send him over. He arrived at the bedroom in full Klinger drag, and proceeded to "jump" into bed with all of us. . . . .

And so, now I'm being billed an insane amount for antique restoration of a badly built bed! And the worst part is that now everyone thinks I weigh more than President Taft!

That's What Friends Are For?

"My Mom has a friend, her name is Sissy.
She is very nice, and not too prissy.
A beautiful princess who sleeps in her car,
Because she dreams of going far."

Desi wrote that, and I'm so proud of her! To backtrack on the story, Natty and I caught Emerson getting up in the office the other morning, and found out she had been evicted from her apartment. Thankfully, she's quit drinking, so I took her on as a houseguest. Meanwhile, I've been attending Washington dinner parties, trying to fit in -- with great difficulty. Natty and I decided I would try to write a story for the paper to get some recognition, so Sissy and I were supposed to be working on that. I decided to write a story about the relationship between Sapphire and I and our "interracial bond." God knows, the woman knows me better than anyone! And at least she's never tried to kill me like Consuela did -- I wish I hadn't let Anthony take her citizenship test. When Sapphire came back I wanted Consuela to get deported!

It was kind of nice to have Sissy staying here. Being away from Mother and Julia, it's kind of lonely. I still have Jim and Desi, but aside from Sapphire, no real female company. Sissy and I got to talking, and I persuaded her to try on some of my gowns and tiaras. Good timing too, this obnoxious former coworker of hers, Ann Gillface or something, showed up to boast about her new position and rub Emerson's face in being broke and homeless. I just hate it when people act so hoity-toity! So, as I used to do in the old pageant days, I fought fire with fire! I told Ann that Malone must have screwed up and told her this was my house, when indeed it was Sissy's! Sapphire was a little disapproving at first, but she's pretty used to my shenanigans and just sort of played along with her usual sarcastic tone.

After all was said and done, The Post rejected the story I wrote, but Sissy wrote a piece about being homeless that they printed. Apparently, she had never been in a loving family environment before, and we made her feel more than at home. I guess that explains her sometimes bitchy, defensive sarcasm.

Since Sapphire did such a good job playing along in our little game of "Deceive Gillface," the two of us went to Las Vegas to hear Lou Rawls sing. The highlight of the evening was hearing him sing "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine."

Men Are Good

I thought that Malone was a little fruitcake, and turns out I was right (like I usually am, although no one ever gives me the credit I deserve)! One of these days, I'm going to pull out this book and point out to Julia all the times that I was right and she didn't listen to me!

Back to Malone, the girl met a man, got a date, and the next thing I know, she's dumping a bagful of condoms onto my desk! Now I know she's been with only one man in her life, but this new sex-craze is unbecoming. That's what's the matter with women these days, they give it away! First, she's drawing all these little naked men everywhere, now she's pursuing the real thing!

Natty, Sissy, and I tried to talk to Malone and give her some tips on dating, but since she's never been beyond teenage dating, I figured the date would be over soon after it started. Turns out I was right, but for the different reasons. She stopped by my house on her way home and deliriously told us that she was going to seduce him, but he turned her down -- and he wasn't even gay! The advice that we gave Malone was good, but we forgot to warn her about the most wretched, deceitful type of man there is. . . .the perfect man.

You Talk Too Much

I am so sick of everybody whining and gossiping and complaining about everything and everybody! I wish everyone in this town would just shut the hell up! I swear, everywhere I look, everybody's got their gums flapping about something, but no one's bothering to do anything about anything - this may be the land of the free, but Washington is the home of the boring!

Ok, I admit I may be a little irritable today. My diet isn't going that well, and everything reminds me of food!!

That being said, we've been reviewing films that depict violence towards women, and let me say, these are some of the stupidest movies I've seen in my life! All these scantily clad and butt naked little girls being stalked by either their boyfriends or some toothless hicks in the forest! And the closest we came to seeing any men without their clothes was in The Mail Order Bride, where they show a naked Ken Doll. Of course, that Ken doll had a lot more than most of the guys we saw when Sugarbakers redecorated the nudist colony!

Natty and Sissy are still embroiled in their never-ending war. Sissy jokingly told Natty that she spit in her hero Jesse Helm's soup, and low and behold, he's rushed to the ER. So, of course Natty promptly reported her to the FBI! With all this bickering going on, I finally decided to sneak out and get myself a hamburger with the President. I know it blows my diet, but what the hell. They drove me to it!!