Congresswoman Sugarbaker Premieres On Crossfire

ANNOUNCER: Now, live from our nation's capitol -- Crossfire. Today's guest: Representative Suzanne Sugarbaker.
MICHAEL KINSLEY: Welcome to Crossfire. I'm Mike Kinsley from the left.
JOHN SUNUNU: And I'm John Sununu from the right.
MICHAEL KINSLEY: Our guest today is the newest member of Congress; Suzanne Sugarbaker of Georgia. She'll be filling her late husband's House seat until an election can be held later this year.

MICHAEL KINSLEY: Miss Sugarbaker, welcome.
SUZANNE: Oh please! Call me Suzanne.
MICHAEL KINSLEY: Alright Suzanne. Here we are, Suzanne, coming up on some major bills. Your vote could prove crucial on any number of issues. Yet your own political affiliation is completely unknown. Could you comment on that?
SUZANNE: Yes, well, first of all, I'd like to apologize for the size of my hair. I usually wear it much bigger than this.
What was the question again?
MICHAEL KINSLEY: Your political affiliation?
SUZANNE: Oh!! Yeah, it's true I don't really have one. I just sort of decide how I feel about each issue as it comes along. I mean that's the way they do it at Miss America. There's actually no point in planning ahead because you're just gonna have to draw a question out of a jar anyway.

MICHAEL KINSLEY: Well if you haven't thought about the issues pending, what about some of the issues that have already been decided? For example: gays in the military.
SUZANNE: Oh!! Personally, I think that homosexuals have just as much right to kill and be killed as anyone else, of course I really wouldn't want to leave the beauty salons short-handed.
MICHAEL KINSLEY: Is that your answer?!
SUZANNE: I think so, unless I can have more time.

JOHN SUNUNU: Suzanne, what about those expensive junkets that lobbyists provide for certain members of Congress; would you be tempted to vote a certain way if someone gave you a gift?
SUZANNE: Listen, men have been giving me gifts since I was eighteen, but only a handful have made it to the promised land, if you get my drift.

MICHAEL KINSLEY: Um, yes, I think we do. Speaking of conflicts of interests, we understand you tried to sell some of your brother's craft items in the house gift store this morning. Do you really see no conflict of interest in that either?
SUZANNE: I beg your pardon?
JOHN SUNUNU: Well Suzanne, it would appear that you were trying to make a profit from a Federally funded enterprise.
SUZANNE: No! I was just doing a good deed. Y'see my brother makes these nice little ceramic spoon rests, and I just thought we could make a little extra money for his school.
JOHN SUNUNU: You mean you weren't just trying to make a fast buck?
SUZANNE: Certainly not!! I mean, why on Earth would I come all the way to Washington just to steal a little poorly run knick-knack shop from the Federal government? Get real. I mean, that'd be like me trying to take over a dinky little lemonade stand. Anyway, my five husbands left me plenty of money. And I'm sure that I'll marry again. Or, as my grandmother used to say, "Honey, if you ever need a million dollars, just remember, you're sitting on it!"

SUZANNE: Oh my goodness!! I'm afraid this microphone's just been swallowed up by my cleavage!
MICHAEL KINSLEY: Stay with us, we'll be right back.
SUZANNE: Ha!! I bet that little Katie Couric never had this problem huh? Are we on? Are we still on, hmm? Are we on?