"Suzanne Bouvier"

Here's some original fanfic by Michelle Dudley. The episode is set sometime during season five.

[Charlene is doing paper work at her desk. Julia is at her desk looking over samples. Mary Jo enters and hangs up her coat]

MARY JO: [Walking to her desk] Sorry I’m late. I had to stop at the toy store with Quint before he went to school, and it was just packed.
CHARLENE: Why did you have to stop at the toy store?
MARY JO: ‘Cause it’s Quint's birthday in a few weeks, and I promised him that we would go pick out something he wanted today. Ted’s picking them up after school, so we had to do it this morning.
CHARLENE: Oh…I went to one of those stores last Christmas to pick up something for my cousin Betty Jean, and I swear the entire girls section was filled with all these Barbies. I mean, there were sporty Barbie, Jump Rope Barbie, Fast Food Barbie, Celebrity Barbie, and I swore there was even an Astronomer Barbie. . . . I just never understood the whole Barbie thing anyway. It’s just so unrealistic. No one really looks like those Barbies they sell. Blonde hair, big breasts, and legs up to their neck? Yeah, Right.
[Mary Jo and Julia look up and stare at Charlene at the same time.]
CHARLENE: What?
MARY JO: [Looking back down to her desk] Oh, nothing . . . . Designer Barbie.

[Before Charlene can respond, Mary Jo goes into the storeroom. A moment of silence passes, and Mary Jo comes back out of storeroom. She’s carrying two large books.]
MARY JO: [Sitting back at her desk] Where’s Anthony? He has to make that delivery to Thomas Carter’s summer home.
JULIA: He and Suzanne are at a dress rehearsal for the Charity Play that they’re in at Anthony’s college.
MARY JO: I still can’t believe that Suzanne is doing something for Charity . . . and she still wont tell us who her character is?
CHARLENE: She said that it was too demeaning to her self confidence, and that it was her worst nightmare, and that for her to even play that person is too embarrassing for her to reveal.
JULIA: Suzanne’s worst nightmare? Well, it’s pretty obvious then. . . she’s playing a poor person.

[Suzanne storms in, slamming the door behind her. She’s in a wedding dress. She starts to pace back and forth in front of the couch, whimpering]
JULIA: [Standing up] I wish, in my mind, that there would be a logical, understandable explanation for your appearance, Suzanne, but somehow I know that I’m going to be disappointed.
MARY JO: Oh, please, don’t tell us. Let me guess. . . You ditched the dress rehearsal at Anthony’s play to go get married, but the groom’s pacemaker gave out right before he said ‘I do’?
SUZANNE: [irritated] I don’t want to talk about it!
JULIA: [walking over to Suzanne] You just stormed into a place of business wearing a wedding dress. I think you’re going to talk about it!
SUZANNE: This wedding dress is just a costume for the play.
JULIA: [Sitting on the couch, relieved] Well, that’s good. I’m glad you didn’t actually get married.
SUZANNE: [guiltily] Well, actually I did.
JULIA: What?! Suzanne, you got married!?
[Suzanne sits next to Julia on the couch and her dress poofs up in her face. She pushes it down.]
CHARLENE: Why didn’t you tell us? Ooo, did you skip the rehearsal to elope romantically?
SUZANNE: [Angry] No, Charlene, I did not! I went to the rehearsal, and that was probably my worst mistake.
MARY JO: But you did get married?
SUZANNE: Yep.
JULIA: Whom, on God’s green Earth, would you marry?
[Anthony comes in the door, in a tux.]
SUZANNE: [Standing up, walks toward Anthony] Well, look who finally decided to show up.
ANTHONY: [cautiously] Suzanne...
SUZANNE: Oh, don’t you ‘Suzanne’ me! I just can believe it, Anthony! After all my years of trying to gain some dignity for myself, I’m going to go down in history as the Miss Georgia who married a black ex-con! I should take out my gun and shoot you!
ANTHONY: Where is your gun?
SUZANNE: At home.
ANTHONY: [Relieved] Oh, good. You shouldn’t joke about that. Especially since you already shot me in my leg.
SUZANNE: I wasn’t joking, and I’d aim a little higher next time!
JULIA: [Standing up] Wait a second, You mean to tell me that you and Anthony?
MARY JO: Well, they’re sure fighting like any married couple would.
ANTHONY: [Sitting on the couch] Now, Julia, I don’t really want to get into this right now. It’s a very long story. We just need to get this marriage annulled as soon as possible.
SUZANNE: [hitting Anthony] We wouldn’t have to get any marriage annulled if you weren’t so stupid!! I should never have agreed to do your stupid play!
[Suzanne sits next to Anthony, fuming]
JULIA: How did you two get married?
SUZANNE: Yes, Anthony, why don’t you explain to everyone how I ended up marring an ex-con!! Or maybe I can tell them? [To Julia] Well, my character is a lonely widow that ends up marring Anthony…Of course I thought that my character was to embarrassing to tell you guys, because lets face it, me marring Anthony would just not look right. So as some kind of sick joke Anthony decides to get us marred for real!
ANTHONY: Now, wait a minute. I didn’t do this on purpose. The last thing that I want is to be married to you, Suzanne, trust me.
MARY JO: But I still don’t see how you two got married.
ANTHONY: Well, that part might have been my fault. I wanted to scene to be realistic, so I asked the director if we could have witnesses on stage, marriage certificate, and such.
SUZANNE: I think I can finish the rest! So, he got all the witnesses and such, and of course I agree to do the scene like this, because I didn’t actually think the idiot would get a REAL PRIEST!! So it turns out that we’re married, and we need to get this thing annulled.
[A man enters through the front door]
JULIA: Can I help you?
JOHN: Yes, I’m John Philips, I have an appointment with a Julia Sugarbaker about a designing job.
JULIA: Yes, of course won’t you come in. I’m Julia Sugarbaker; these are my associates, Mary Jo Shively, and Charlene Stillfield.
JOHN: [Motioning toward Suzanne and Anthony] And who are these two?
MARY JO: They’re our newlyweds.
SUZANNE: Mary Jo!
JOHN: And do they have a name?
SUZANNE: Yes. We’re Mr. and Mrs. Van-Patterson Patton.

CUT TO: SUGARBAKERS

[Mary Jo, Charlene, and Julia are all on the couch going through samples.]
CHARLENE: Well, I just can’t believe it. This last week just started out so slow, now all of a sudden, Suzanne’s married, and we have a designing job a gay bar. Not that I care if it’s a gay bar or straight one.
JULIA: Well, I don’t care what kind of bar it is. I’m just glad that we got the job. Money has been a little tight, so we could use all the work we can get.
MARY JO: I just can’t wait for this week to end. I mean, Suzanne marrying Anthony is one thing, but now they’re going to get it annulled? They were only married for a day. They could have at least given the marriage a shot. Who knows, it could have worked. They make a cute couple.
JULIA: You need to understand, Mary Jo, that to Suzanne self image is everything. She would actually rather be beheaded before she went down as the Sugarbaker sister. . .who married the black deliveryman. [Charlene looks through some of the samples and gasps.]
CHARLENE: Y'all would never believe what I just found!
MARY JO: Judge Crater?
CHARLENE: No, it’s the perfect color to go with, for the wallpaper.
[Julia and Mary Jo both look at the sample.]
MARY JO: Pink with Purple poke-a-dots?! This isn’t Barbie’s playhouse, this is a bar.
CHARLENE: It was just a suggestion. . .

[Suzanne and Anthony enter.]
JULIA: How did it go?
SUZANNE: As well as any annulment would be expected to go. Anthony somehow managed to not get us re-married on the way back.
MARY JO: So. . . who got the kids?
ANTHONY: No one got the kids, but Suzanne did try to get alimony checks from me.
CHARLENE: Suzanne! I can’t believe you did that!
JULIA: I can. Please, don’t take it personally Anthony. She tries to get alimony on men for going up to her in a restaurant and starting a conversation.
SUZANNE: Well, I’m glad you all are getting such a kick out of all this.
MARY JO: Good. . . 'cause we are.

FADE OUT

[Suzanne and Anthony are on the stage at Anthony’s collage. Anthony is wearing a tux and Suzanne is wearing a wedding dress. Mary Jo, Charlene, and Julia are in the audience.]
PRIEST: [To Anthony] Do you John Steele take Martha Vanderbilt to be your wedded wife?
ANTHONY: I do.
PRIEST: And do you Martha take John to be your wedded husband?
SUZANNE: Wait one second here. Before we go any farther, just what do you do for a living?
PRIEST: [Quietly] I-I’m a plumber. . .
SUZANNE: Okay, then I do.
PRIEST: Then with the power vested in me and by the state of Georgia, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[Anthony leans into Suzanne to kiss her, but she stops him.]
SUZANNE: Lets not take this too far. . .[She shakes his hand]

THE END