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"Suzanne's Return"

The story by Pep Speed is set in the present day and includes Julia, Mary Jo, Carlene, B.J., Suzanne, Anthony, and Etienne.

MARY JO:(entering) Mornin, sorry I'm late. John (Her artificially inseminated son) just would not get dressed, and with Quint getting ready to go to college and Claudia getting married, I just don't have time to deal with everything.
CARLENE: Oh yeah, how is the happy bride to be?
MARY JO: She's fine. She's trying on dresses this week.
(Carlene starts singing Here Comes the Bride)
JULIA: Carlene.... CARLENE.
CARLENE: Sorry, I just love that song, especially the lyrics.
B. J.: Well Carlene, I think that's just great, I mean as my Dear James used to say, "Whatever floats your boat."
(Suzanne enters)
SUZANNE: Hey everyone, nobody talk to me I'm not in the mood, I have a gun in my purse and I'm not afraid to use it.
JULIA: SUZANNE! Welcome home! How are you?
SUZANNE: I TOLD YOU JULIA THAT I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO TALK.
JULIA: You mean to tell me that after nine years in Washington that you aren't even gonna talk to us?
SUZANNE: No Julia, I'm not gonna talk. (Notices Carlene and B. J.) EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING ON MY COUCH!?
MARY JO: Suzanne! This is B. J. Poteet and Charlene's sister Carlene, they've been here for years.
SUZANNE: Where are Charlene and Allison?
MARY JO: Charlene left here nearly ten years ago. And Allison is back in New York with Victoria's Secret.
SUZANNE: Well What is she doing on my couch?
B. J.: Well I'm so sorry, I have thought for as many years as I've been here that this is Julia's couch. So you can just take all your whining and your boo hooin and stuff 'em in a big pile of...crap.
(Anthony and Etienne enter)
ETIENNE: BONJOUR EVERYONE. Anthony, honey, I can't stay, but I'll pick you up later for lunch.
ANTHONY: All right, bye bye Sugar. Sorry I'm late, Julia, the car's messed up and Etienne had to drive me. (Sees Suzanne) Oh my God, I must be having a nightmare.
SUZANNE: ANTHONY!!!
ANTHONY: Oh no, it's real!
SUZANNE: Who is that woman that was just kissin' all over you?
CARLENE: Julia didn't you ever talk to your sister or anything while she was in Washington? First, it's me and B. J., then Etienne, I mean, this woman knows nothing. But then again she was working for the government, so I guess it's accounted for.
(Suzanne Exits)
CARLENE: Oh, I wish she hadn't left. I was gonna ask her something.
JULIA: What's that Carlene?
CARLENE: If she ever slept with Bill Clinton.

Scene Two

(Set in Suzanne's bedroom. Everyone except BJ is present)

CARLENE: Well, I just don't think that I have ever seen this much stuff in one room. I mean, expensive stuff, anyway. Cuz' y'all remember when I was in that awful little place in the West End? Well, this one guy there had anything you could want in his apartment. TV's, stereo's, everything.
SUZANNE: Julia, how do you turn her off? She's stupider than that girl I had workin for me in Washington.
ANTHONY: What girl?
SUZANNE: Oh, you met her. Velveeta somethin or other.
JULIA: Suzanne, I must say that this is the first I've heard you mention of Washington all week.
CARLENE: Oh, did you meet any fascinating people?
SUZANNE: Well, Bill and I were pretty good friends till he started flirtin' with me. That's when I told Hillary. I went straight up to her and said "Hill, you got to get a leash or somethin' on him."
CARLENE: What'd she say?
SUZANNE: She threw me out. That's when that Lewinsky girl got in the picture. Well, I think everything's unpacked now, so, if y'all don't mind, I'd like to get some sleep.
ANTHONY, JULIA, CARLENE: Night, Suzanne
(They exit)

Scene Three

The next morning at Sugarbakers

Julia, BJ, Carlene, Mary Jo, and Claudia are present. Claudia is in the middle of the room, as Mary Jo tries to alter her wedding dress.
CLAUDIA: Mom, aren't you done yet?
MARY JO: Well, it wouldn't take this long if you would quite squirming around like that. Besides, honey, I'm used to altering curtains and things like that, not wedding dresses.
JULIA: I remember when Payne got married. The ceremony was beutiful.I never have seen a prettier church decorated for a wedding. Of course, we are going to make this church look even better.
MARY JO: Yeah, I remember something else about that wedding. I remember us going to Payne's dorm to find you and Payne's roommate in quite a predicament.
CLAUDIA: Mother, concentrate, please!
B. J.: Sweetie, you look so gorgeous. You are going to be the best looking bride on Earth.
CARLENE: I remember my wedding....
(Flashback to Carlene's wedding)
(Carlene is in a very nice old fasioned wedding dress and is pacing as her mother and Charlene try to calm her down.)
CHARLENE: Oh, now, come on honey, you gotta cheer up. It's your wedding. I wish I was getting married. I'm just gonna be an old maid.
MRS. FRAZIER: Oh, Charlene, darlin, don't say that. I used to think that I was gonna be Old Lady Hog, sittin on her back porch, but then, you know what happened the day of Aunt Helen's wedding?
CHARLENE: What?
MRS. FRAZIER: I felt about like you do now, but then, I felt worse for Helen. Cause that no-good stupid boy she was gonna marry stood her up at the alter.
(Carlene cries and screams)

(Back to the present day)
CARLENE: But then we got married and were divorced in a couple of years.
(Claudia begins to cry and moan)
B. J.: Aww, there now precious, just cause Carlene married someone stupid doesen't mean Adam is gonna be like that. Look at me. My Dear James was the best thing that ever happened to me. Of course he died at our reception.
(Claudia screams and runs out.)
MARY JO: See, look what you did. I got to go find her and calm her down. And from now on, if y'all feel like helping, don't.

Scene Four

The Church is gorgeous. Mary Jo is escorted in by Quint and they sit on the front row. John is already seated on the pew. Across from them sit Ted and Tammy. Behind Mary Jo are Carlene, BJ, Anthony and Ettiene. Julia sings Ave Maria as she did at Charlene's wedding. Adam steps in to the church and goes to the alter. Claudia enters the sanctuary being escorted by JD Shacklefield, who was in a fatherlike position to her for several years. Then comes Suzanne, being made the Matron of Honor.

Scene Five

Julia enters Sugarbakers followed by Mary Jo, Carlene, and BJ.
MARY JO: oh, I almost lost it there as she walked down the aisle. It was so beautiful. I've never seen anything like it. And Julia, you sounded gorgeous.
JULIA: Thank you Mary Jo. Oh, just think. It's sort of a new beginning. You now have a son in law, and a wonderful daughter.
SUZANNE: I'll say one thing, that ring was a Beautiful diamond. I never got anything like that from any of my husbands.
B. J.: Yeah, I guess it was only fitting for you to be Matron of Honor, I mean, you have been married to more men than anyone else except Liz Taylor.
CARLENE: Well, I'm gonna miss everything that's been going on. I mean, first Suzanne came in, then Claudia almost caled the whole thing off, then it was on, then today, so, it's sorta the end of something.
SUZANNE: Not for me. I'm back, and I'm here to stay.

THE END