"Weekend At Bernice's"

Here's an original episode in progress by Scott Cornwell. The episode is set around the turn of the century and includes the relevant changes that have taken place in the characters' lives since the original series ended in 1993. The episode was never finished, but as you will see, Scott has an incredible grasp of the characters and a flair for comedic dialogue. In this opening scene, the original partners are all back together at Sugarbaker's and discussing current topics -- go figure! Enjoy!

SUZANNE: Well, I can tell you for now that I am certainly not going back to that doctor again.
JULIA: Why not?
SUZANNE: Because I went there to tell him that I've been feeling a little under the weather lately, and he had the nerve to say these things should be expected once you get to my time of life! Can you believe that?
CHARLENE: What? Your doctor thinks you could be going through Menopause?
SUZANNE: Well that's what he implied, and its the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. I mean I'm only 43, its not like I'm gonna go into town and start stealing babies from their prams outside the K Mart or noth'in.
MARY JO: Well no, unless they were wearing Gucci booties or something.
SUZANNE: Funny Not!
JULIA: Oh come on Suzanne, you're being unfair, We are both getting along in years and these things are factors now for us.
SUZANNE: Well you speak for yourself Julia, but I'm certainly not ready to start shaving and running hot and cold like a motel room faucet. And besides I KNOW what's wrong with me.
CHARLENE: (Excited) You're pregnant?
SUZANNE: No Charlene, I most certainly am not pregnant. Unlike you and your family, I don't reproduce like Breer Rabbit at a bunny hooker convention.
CHARLENE: (Offended) I didn't think so, not at your time of life.
SUZANNE: That isn't to say I couldn't be, if I wanted to be. No I know what's wrong with me. Julia, you know how I've been getting that terrible tiredness and sickness since after New Years?
JULIA: Do you mean that mysterious sickness that comes on every time we ask you to take Bernice shopping, run an errand for Sugarbakers or just help out?
SUZANNE: That's the one. It started after New Years and its just getting worse and worse. I think I know what it is.
CHARLENE: You're allergic to Old Lang Sine?
SUZANNE: No, I think I'm getting that mysterious Millennium Bug they're all talking about on the news. The nearer I get to that Millennium the sicker I get.
MARY JO: Suzanne, Don't be ridiculous. The Millennium Bug is only going to effect computers, it isn't going to effect people.
SUZANNE: Oh well if a computer can get it why can't a person? And I'm telling you, I've got it.
JULIA: Suzanne, the only thing you have is a case of hypochondria. We've heard it all before. I tell you that doctor was right, your age is a factor in this.
SUZANNE: What do you mean?
JULIA: I mean, last week we had to listen to a very similar theory when you saw Monica Lewinski on the T.V and began screaming that she was wearing one of your wigs.
SUZANNE: She was! She was wearing my wig. The one I left in the White house. I've been looking for that for nearly two years, and it turns up on that little harlett's head. I wouldn't mind, but you know she never washes anything.
CHARLENE: I've always wondered about that.
JULIA: Charlene, we've covered this subject before, you know I don't like it being discussed at Sugarbakers.
CHARLENE: No I was just wondering why she left it so long before she washed it. I mean stains are terrible to get out of material. She should have soaked that straight away.
MARY JO: Yeah, I can just see that now, that White House tour --- they open the door to the President's bathroom, and there's old Monica in her underwear washing out her dress in the basin and wearing Suzanne's wig.
SUZANNE: If she was wearing my wig at the time , she can keep it.
JULIA: That's it. That's enough. Now Suzanne could we please change the subject. You haven't got the Millennium Bug.
SUZANNE: Well whatever, I'm just sick to death of all this talk about this damn Millennium. "What are you doing for the Millennium?" "Where are you going to go for the Millennium?" Oh who cares, its just a new thing stores have made up to get us to spend more money. And what I don't understand is this. There are 365 days in the year, so why did they decide to have this stupid Millennium on New Years Eve when everything is most busiest!!

(Sugarbakers later the same day. Julia, Mary-Jo, Charlene and Suzanne are present)
MARY JO: Julia, is Bernice still coming over this afternoon?
JULIA: Yes, she's pretty excited. Apparently she has some news for us.
CHARLENE: What news?
JULIA: She wouldn't say, she wanted to tell us in person.
MARY JO: Geez, you don't think Bernice is getting married or something do you?
SUZANNE: To who?
CHARLENE: She did say the other day that she was getting very chatty with that Mr Hibbard who sits outside the country club in those golf trousers.
JULIA: You know Mr Hibbard has sat outside the country club in those golf trousers since I was a little girl. He must be 95 if he's a day.
MARY JO: Yeah, come to think of it, I can't see Bernice being interested in him.
CHARLENE: He's old enough to be her father. I can't see her even dating him.
JULIA: Why not? Suzanne did!
SUZANNE: Yes, Julia, I did and what of it. He's very rich, and besides I don't hear anyone criticizing you when you donate to the senior citizens foundation.
JULIA: What on earth does that have to do with this?
SUZANNE: I tell you what that has to do with this, Julia; the fact that my dating these older men does more for their health and well being than any old dollar you could stick in a collection box! To have someone as attractive as me on their arm does more for their self-esteem than pureed food and a bed bath ever could. Why do you think these people live as old as they do?
MARY JO: Suzanne are you saying that the older male citizens of Atlanta owe their lives to you?!
SUZANNE: Don't be ridiculous, Mary Jo, no of course not. Just the wealthy ones.
JULIA: Suzanne the only reason these old men don't die around you is they're scared you'll snatch their credit cards from their cold dead hands.

(At this point Bernice and Anthony enter Sugarbakers)
BERNICE: Hello everyone.
CHARLENE: Well hi, Bernice, did you manage to return that dress to the store?
ANTHONY: (Angry) No, Charlene, she didn't.
JULIA: Anthony, what happened?
ANTHONY: What happened, Julia, is we drove all the way there, went into the store to return the dress and Bernice didn't have a receipt.
JULIA: Well I don't see there being a big problem there. Don't worry, Bernice, I need to go to that store tomorrow, I'll just take you then.
ANTHONY: I don't think that's gonna be any good, Julia.
JULIA: Why?
ANTHONY: She didn't have a receipt because she bought that dress in 1951!
MARY JO: Bernice, you tried to return a dress you bought nearly 50 years ago?
BERNICE: I don't see what the big fuss is all about. I only ever wore it the once.
ANTHONY: It was her wedding dress!
SUZANNE: Oh Bernice, that's just silly.
ANTHONY: Exactly.
SUZANNE: You should never return your wedding dresses, I've got all five of mine. You never know when you might need them.
CHARLENE: You got five wedding dresses in your house?
SUZANNE: Yeah, where else would they be? They used to be here until Julia complained that they were taking up too much room.
JULIA: Suzanne, I couldn't move in that basement without one of those taffeta monstrosities falling out on me. I told you, Suzanne, you ought to sell them off.
SUZANNE: I'm not going to sell them off, Julia. Each one of those has happy memories attached to it.
MARY JO: How many happy memories can you have about alimony checks?
SUZANNE: HA HA, Mary Jo. Plenty. That's why I'm rich and you're not! Anyway I still wear them sometimes -- only around the house. Mainly when I'm putting the Christmas decorations up.
CHARLENE: You put your Christmas decorations up wearing a wedding dress? Why?
JULIA: I can answer that. When Suzanne was a little girl she saw this film about the Old South where the Belle of the picture wore this huge white dress, and at Christmas she got all the plantation workers to come up to the big house to put up the decorations, while she bossed them around and watched.
ANTHONY: So that's why you always try and get me to help you put your decorations up?
SUZANNE: Of course not, and besides, Julia, I sometimes just sit around the house in my wedding dress when it's not even Christmas, so there!
MARY JO: Oh that makes for a better mental picture, you sit around your house like Miss Haversham from Great Expectations, covered in cobwebs.
SUZANNE: Mary Jo, what the heck are you talking about? Whenever have you seen a cobweb in my house?! My maid would be out of the door before you could say 'mammie' if I ever saw a cobweb in my house.
BERNICE: Can I just say that you people are all insane. I only tried to return a dress I only wore the once, and here you are talking about bossy movie princesses and sitting around the house with cobwebs on your head.
CHARLENE: Oh, we're sorry Bernice. How are you?
BERNICE: Oh I'm fine, except for the fact that I'm sick to death of that 'Who wants To be a Millionaire show'. If I have to see one more person sat in that damned chair sweating and answering questions about American Presidents and calling a friend, I'll scream. I mean, if you're on the brink of losing a million dollars, why the heck would you want to ring up your friend?
CHARLENE: Yeah, I know what you mean, Bernice. Regis is just not that same without Kathie Lee sat next to him looking like one of the Muppets on vallium.
ANTHONY: Anyway, Bernice has got some really exciting news for us.
CHARLENE: Oh yes that's right.
JULIA: Well don't keep us in suspense, Bernice, what is it?
SUZANNE: And if it's that you've been excepted to be a guinea pig for that female Viagra program, I don't wanna hear it!
BERNICE: No, they declined me because of my arterial flow problem. Apparently Viagra and lack of oxygen just doesn't mix. I was liable to become even more of a sexual nymphet than I already am. And I just don't think the male population of Atlanta could handle my sexual demands. No, my news is to do with you.
JULIA: Oh Bernice, you better not have put us forward to try out that drug!
MARY JO: Yeah, I have to second that one. My god, I flip out on one beer. Can you imagine what I would be like on Viagra?! Mae West on an LSD trip!
BERNICE: No, my news is to do with Sugarbakers.
JULIA: Oh!
BERNICE: Yes, the manager of Hillcrest Leisure land was looking for a design firm to decorate the entire complex, and I've volunteered Sugarbakers for the job!
(All the women are surprised!)
CHARLENE: Bernice, that's wonderful!
JULIA: Why Bernice, that is incredible news, and Sugarbakers would be honoured to decorate Hillcrest, I just don't know if we could handle such a big job.
SUZANNE: Julia, are you insane? That job would generate a fortune.
MARY JO: For once I have to agree with Suzanne.
CHARLENE: Oh yes, Julia, I'm sure we could do it. Even if we have to take on some additional contractors.
JULIA: Well we don't even have the job. Bernice has only recommended us.
BERNICE: You've as good as got the job. Mr Warren, the manager of Hillcrest, loved the job you did on my apartment last year. He said he has a few conditions before you start the job, but it's as good as yours.
JULIA: What do you mean, a few conditions?
ANTHONY: Oh Julia, I spoke with him when I picked up Bernice this morning. He just said that in order for us to do the job properly he'd have to ask us in to discuss some matters.
JULIA: Well I suppose this is a retirement home, there's bound to be certain rules about painting and building times we'd have to understand.
CHARLENE: Exactly. Oh this will be one of the biggest accounts Sugarbakers would have had in years.
JULIA: Well, Bernice, I say you ask this Mr Warren when he wants to see us.
ANTHONY: We're meeting with him at 2pm this afternoon.
SUZANNE: (spikey) Anthony, wasn't that a bit forward of you to be arranging Sugarbakers' diary? You should be more concerned with delivery work!
ANTHONY: Suzanne. You're forgetting that you sold your original shares in Sugarbakers and bought half of BJ's back. It was me that bought the other half.
SUZANNE: So what are you saying?
ANTHONY: I'm saying I'm more of a partner in Sugarbakers than you. So you should get driving!!!!