ASK BERNICE!
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Everyone's favorite Fruitcake dishes out her own brand of advice to the lovelorn. |
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FROM THE BELLED EDITORS:
We apologize for the delay in publishing Bernice's answers to your questions which we hoped to issue in time for Valentine's Day. We are happy to report that her new medication is having phenomenal results! Thank you to everyone who submitted questions. To those of you who will find your questions answered below, remember -- take Bernice's advice with a grain of salt (preferably with tequila and lime.)*
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Dear Bernice:
Every guy I fall for keeps getting taken away from me by someone I know. Am I just really unlucky, or am I doing something wrong? ~Krista
Bernice Reponds:
Listen, Sister -- quit your belly-aching. You kids whine about how hard dating is when all you really have to do is get out there and show some confidence. The only problem I see is that you have too many choices! Narrow 'em down, kid, and then go in for the kill. In the meantime, tell those she-beasts to keep their hands off your man! Men love a good catfight -- as long as the girls don't look like guards from one of those Linda Blair prison movies.
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Dear Bernice:
No heartache here at least not yet! My boyfriend and I are in disagreement on whether or not Anthony is gay. I say no he is not and he says that he is, can you help clear this up? ~Kelley
Bernice Reponds:
My sweet Anthony? That boy is just like an illegitimate son to me, but he's also hot stuff and could barely juggle all those girlfriends until that Etienne sunk her claws into him. Now he barely has time for Mama -- let alone men.
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Dear Bernice:
Yea...I have a heartache for my love life...I don't have one! ~Amanda
Bernice Reponds:
Ah, let me share a piece of wisdom with you my great Aunt Mildred shared with me when I was your age. "Bernice," she said (she always called me Bernice), "there will be times in your life when you wonder . . . 'what is love?', 'what is life?', 'what is a love life?', 'why don't I have this thing called a love life?' My dear Bernice (I still can't get over how she knew to call me that, but it goes to show how wise she was), when you get to the point in life when you ask that last question, 'why don't I have this thing called a love life?', ask yourself this: "Why am I here talking to myself asking this question when I could be signing up for match.com?!"
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Dear Bernice:
I want to have sex. ~Mitch
Bernice Reponds:
Well, you're just going to have to stand in line. I know I'm an irresistable red hot mama, but some things will just have to be adored from afar. Meanwhile, Carlene found this INFLATE-A-DATE in a drug store sale bin.....
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Dear Bernice:
How can I get fabulous dates with rich men, like Suzanne always does? ~Laurie
Bernice Reponds:
Easy: hit up the old folks' home. Those fine pickings have money burning holes in their plaid pajama pants and cataracts strong enough to make Liza Minelli look like J. Lo. With a big wig and a sparkling tiara, you've got yourself a night on the town, honey...
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Dear Bernice:
How can I get a date for Valentine's Day this year? ~Jacqueline
Bernice Reponds:
The editors of Belled kept calling my cell to get me to finish the column before Valentine's Day, but my girls all were in dateless-crisis, too, so I had to cancel my date with the old man down the hall in order to be with them. It's okay though -- I left him with a cassette of Titanic and some vodka stingers. Once he mixes a couple of those babies with his medication, he'll never know I'm not there since he already mistakes me for Catherine Zeta Jones. Anyway, here's some advice for 2004: I hear the corner of Magnolia and Main is promising.
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Dear Bernice:
I'm 16 and I love a guy who doesn't love me. We've been friends for about 12 years and I know everything about each other. I want to step up our relationship but he wants to remain friends, what should I do? ~Jen
Bernice Reponds:
Oh, you crazy fool!! Why are you pining away for some man who can't see how great you are? Take it from Mama, get out there and strut your stuff -- and don't settle for any man who isn't walking funny every time he sees you. My late husband and I started off as just friends, and I made him chase me for years before I finally said yes. He would always say, "Bernice, marry me..." and I'd always respond, "Oh, you crazy fool! You don't have any money!" But, you see, my Louis came from a circus family, and he was billed as the man with the world's longest tongue. Plus, as it turns out, his family carried a life insurance policy on him that paid three-hundred thousand dollars if he died from swallowing a sword. It all turned out just dandy for the first few years, except that when you have the world's longest tongue you just don't go risking it by putting knives in your mouth.
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Dear Bernice:
My other half tells me that he loves me, however, does not include me in the extra curicular activities of his life. I love him and want to share his interests. Am I being selfish? I understand that there are some things that a man needs to do by himself (have hobbies, etc.) but I want to share as much of his life as possible. Bernice, what should I do? ~Steve
Bernice Reponds:
Hmmm. Maybe you need one of those hot leather daddies to come in and teach him how to behave (and tape it for me). And go find some hobbies of your own. When you get old people expect you to know how to make things -- so you might as well start early so you can actually be good at it.
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Dear Bernice:
I have a thing for a much older woman, only I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with her. What should I do? ~Rusty
Bernice Reponds:
Never fear--with a little endurance training, you'll be wheeling alongside granny in no time! Brush up on your bocci, polish your pinochle, and watch for shifting dentures when the time comes for a little one-on-one action. Most importantly, don't give up your pursuit--she'll have to stop for her soap operas eventually.
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Dear Bernice:
I'm 25. Guys have always said I'm the type of girl they want to marry. I don't want to get married until I'm older so believe me when I say I'm not pressuring them, but it doesn't matter because they end up leaving before that point anyway in order to pursue more, shall we say, cheesecake partners. What's a good/no-pressure girl to do? ~Christine
Bernice Reponds:
Listen, Girlfriend, I'm here to tell you that men are no good. After Mr. Clifton died, men used to pay big bucks for a date with me, but it turned out most of them only wanted me for my body. Then one day this rich man came along who put me up in his hotel room and paid me to be his escort for the week. He took me from the streets and treated me like a pretty woman. That man -- was Richard Gere. Boy did that man love me, but in the end I had to break his heart -- he had just too many sculptures of fat, bald men with earrings and no shirts. Even his telephone was in the shape of a fat, bald man. I mean, I'm all for love, but not when you have to talk into a fat man's navel.
*Advice given in ASK BERNICE! is purely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only.
**Photo credit: Columbia Pictures Television -- courtesy of Designing Women Tribute.
In the pre-Broadway review of Paper Doll, Dixie stars as Jacqueline Susann,
the flamboyant 1960s icon of the trash novel profession, best known for her
1966 novel, Valley of the Dolls. In real life, Susann represented much of
the fashion of the 1960s, as well; free love, open marriage, pills, and
booze were ever present. Still, Susann was a shrewd businesswoman and is
often credited as being the first author to design and perform "the book
tour," using the emerging television talk shows of the time as self- and
book-promotion venues.
Paper Doll provides a glimpse into Susann's public and private life through
monologues during one day near the end of her life. It is the day her
doctor gives her the final diagnosis that the cancer which would take her
life at the age of 56 has returned. As Dixie told syndicated columnist Liz
Smith in an interview last week: "She was so smart and driven -- this play
catches all the sad and strange reasons fame was important to her, and why
she was in such a hurry to make the most of it when recognition finally
came." 
Steve Martin returns to the silver screen next week with the Touchstone Pictures/Disney release of Bringing Down the House, co-starring Queen Latifah. Joining the two leads are familiar character actors Eugene Levy, Joan Plowright, Betty White, and Jean Smart.
Pictured here with Kimberly J. Brown and Angus T. Jones, who play her onscreen children, Jean looks incredible, and she can be spotted several times in the theatrical trailer, which is available at both the film's